A thousand Hands Come Together as One...

This week I have been feeling stressed & overworked.

My excuse is: I don't have time to do this work; plus run my business; plus preparing & creating a Forgiveness Seminar; plus being a coach; a Leader Training Leaders; plus creating an architectural presentation in Peru for a client - that doesn't exist - but who I am inventing to enter my life; plus being father & husband to my family.

And then on top of that, keep updating this blog.

Yes, I know that it sounds like I'm complaining, And yes I am - but only as a way of getting it out of my system. OK 5 minutes of complaing are now complete! But that is not what I'm committed to doing. So I have to admit that this feeling of overwhelm comes only from my everpresent feeling of being alone & that I have to do all this alone. And in distinguishing this for myself (with the assistance of my trusty coach), I see that if I was being honest with myself, I am really not alone.

The thing that showed up for me in the last month or so, is that 3 more people in my life have passed away. This is the excuse I use to feel alone - see I have evidence now that people are leaving me. "See they left - I am alone now!" But what I am not choosing to see is that they have gone to God & are now one with the creator. Isn't that what all faith-believing beings want? Even more on a personal level, they are not leaving ME!!!

So how do I accept and allow people into my life, so that the feeling of 'alone-ness' does not take me over?

And that's when this image showed up in my life. It is on YouTube & its called the Thousand-Hand Guan Yin. I was fascinated with the quote in the description which I am recreating here:

As long as you are kind and there is love in your heart, A thousand hands will naturally come to your aid.
As long as you are kind and there is love in your heart, You will reach out with a thousand hands to help others.

Guan Yin is the bodhisattva of compassion, revered by Buddhists as the Goddess of Mercy. Her name is short for Guan Shi Yin.

Guan - means to observe, watch, or monitor;
Shi - means the world;
Yin - means sounds, specifically sounds of those who suffer.

Thus, Guan Yin is a compassionate being who watches for, and responds to, the people in the world who cry out for help.

This really caught my attention! Guan Shi Yin is the "goddess with a thousand hands. She watches for those in need and has a thousand hands to help."

Metaphorically I understand this to mean that I don't have to do this work alone. I can rely on, and create others to be the thousand hands around me, who can assist in getting this done.

As the performer in the video could not do the dance alone. She had others, to create with her, the beautiful dance & imagery that inspired the audience & inspired me.

Another common Metaphor that comes to mind is President Bush (Senior). He used to say "A Thousand Points of Light"

I am but one point of light & together the thousand points of light can transform the world.

So now I am not alone...

I have chosen to create myself to be one with others and will continue with my commitment to have the people of the world experience - oneness with God.

Interesting Reading

I was reading a few blogs the other day & came across some interesting reading about descansos. Descansos literally means "resting places" and the idea of resting places as markers in life. I have read Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés views of 'making descansos.' What she says is to take a look at your life and marked where the 'small deaths' and the 'big deaths' have taken place. She suggests to create a timeline of your life and mark down with a cross the places along the timeline where parts of yourself or your life have died - or not has been what you wanted. You mark the roads not taken, paths that were cut off, ambushes, betrayals and death of dreams and ideas you've had. This is a way to acknowledge what worked /did not work in your past so that you can then let it go, as the past, and move on.

To extend this idea further another suggestion was to look at it as 'milestones' in your life. Sit down and remembering the significant milestones. Celebrate the joys and mourn the losses of life. CalmEagle's blog suggests "Just as our ancestors drew on the walls of caves and sat around the campfires telling stories of triumph and tragedy we can engage in the transformative process of using story to help us."

I like this idea! Looking at my life and celebrate my joys, along with mourning my losses as a release of the grief, but most of all as a celebration of life.

This seems like a good way to heal the past.

Sharing a Personal Loss (cont)

I would like to share with you what I've been feeling now that my mother has passed away. I have had the story that I need to be 'strong' for my family. It's been many years that I have not allowed myself to freely show fear, joy, anger, excitement, disappointment, grief - forget being vulnerable! I've dealt with a lot of death in the recent years and I 'had' to be strong. I do not let anyone know that I am fearful of death & that I'm afraid that one day you too will leave me.

When my father-in-law & mother-in-law died I 'had' to be strong for family. Mima was ill for many years with Alzheimer's. She no longer knew who her family was. She did not know that she had a daughter, a son-in-law & grandson. I remember the day my wife asked her "I am your daughter, do you remember me?" and Mima replied "I don't have a daughter!" My wife cried for days! I tried to protect my son from that. What would it feel like for him to hear that she has no clue of who he is. He can't comprehend what is happening to her. I don't know why I did not cry at her funeral - maybe to protect him or actually to protect me from feeling that pain.

When Pipo died, I promised Pipo that I would take care of his daughter & grandson. I promised him that I would not let anything happen to them. The seven months we took care of Pipo in our home, I protected my son from Pipo's hollers of pain. I would create distractions so that he would not have to 'deal' with Pipo's illness & looking back - so that I can escape that pain.

Now fast forward to today. Again I pretended that I would be alright. My ego really has me believing that I can deal with the death of mom. All this time I have been 'strong' & I can deal with death. BUT really I was pretending that I am OK. All this time I have been hiding the fact that I am afraid, feel vulnerable & alone. I kept myself busy so that I would not have to see mom wither away like a wilted rose. How I end up being is closed off from my own feelings.

So when I was interacting with my friends & family, I was really hiding out. Hiding my feelings. I did not want to get too close because they too will leave me & I am going to hurt all over again! I would not tell anyone about my life, because of the fear that they may find me out or may judge me. The impression I get is that I leave them in a funk trying to deal with my disconnect. For that I apologize.

So what you can count on from me is that I will be free to express my feelings, will no longer pretend to be strong & will be present to your (& my own) greatness. I promise to be there to hear you and to listen without judgement; I promise that I will be with you when you need me; I promise I will be free to be me.

Tomorrow is my mom's funeral service & I do not have to be 'strong' anymore. I do not have to pretend that I have it all together. I will be free to be me and free to be with my friends and family.

God has blessed us with a great mother, but even more so with the legacy she created - our family.

Sharing a Personal Loss

"Peace I leave you, My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid". John 14:27

This was my mother's possibility for the world. After she quoted these words last Saturday, I saw her world transform. People came from NY, DC and even Ecuador to be with her. They all shared how they have been touched by her. How her way of being was imprinted in their souls and the magic she caused in their lives

She released her bottle full of angers, recentments and caused our world to transform before our eyes.

Last night my mother passed away in peace as the example of these words. Her last wish was that our family carry on her legacy of being United in Peace.

We are here on this earth if only for this moment - so make your moment matter and be the cause of transformation in your world.

My peace I give to you

Today I met an Incredible Soul.

Today I met the person I've been looking for, without even knowing who she was going to be & without physically meeting with her - just a voice on the phone. I was driving home and listening to talk radio. The caller is talking about spirits & she says that there's a message that needs to be delivered. This caught my attention & I raised the volume.

At that moment a commercial for an eye care product comes on the radio & I hear "You must call... this message is for you." Sure this sounds like a typical sales pitch, but I felt an omen at that moment and needed to call - not for the product - but for the message. I felt that there was a message for me to hear. I can't explain it - but I needed to call.

So as the operator is describing the product, we start chit-chatting. She asks me a few questions about me & before I know it she is suggesting that I read "Power of Now." "I was just looking into getting it" I replied. We continue to talk & I am feeling inspired by her words coming thru on the phone. She was so uplifting & very supportive, without even knowing who I was. So I tell her that I appreciate her words & ask her how she can keep up her spirits. She replies that normally it's not hard, but today was a bit difficult because a friend of hers has just lost him wife & child to a car accident.

Holy S*%T - no coincidence that I am here talking with her!! I explained to her that this is what my project is about & how I am working to assist families with this type of grief. "This is exactly what I was looking for" she tells me. Then she asks why I do this. I explain to her that "I do this because I have lost 7 person in the last nine years & I needed to heal." But also explain that most of those people have come to me in spirit right before passing. And that they all wanted to convey the message of "Peace & Love" for us all. She replies "Wow, that funny! because I talk with people after they have passed" & the message they need to convey is pretty much the same.

I say no coincidence because before I called, I was doubting that I was not going to be able to coach my participants of the upcoming Self-Expression and Leadership program, effectively (That was my little voice trying to talk me out of it). I was asking God for someone who would understand what I was up to, who I am and the ability to put into words what I was looking to accomplish.

I asked for inspiration and wisdom. And sure enough there was this voice on the other end providing exactly what I had asked for. She even put into word what this Descansos project is all about...

"Transforming the energy of grief, rage and hopelessness into and energy of peace, harmony and love."

This is exactly how I can verbalize the intent of my project. Thank you.

Now for the friend, who lost his family, I needed to verbalize a message. That the only thing we can do is listen. The feeling of grief is his and his alone - it can be overwhelming at times though. No words of wisdom will offer relief because our version of grief is not his version. The only thing that matters is being a compassionate ear for him - Be a stand for his ability to work thru his grief and just be there to allow him to express his grief & hopelessness.

So in my experience of loosing someone dear to me so unexpectantly, was to get it out! The thing that worked for me was to write a 'suffering' letter to the person with whom I was angry. (In my case - I was angry at my father-in-law for dying - & leaving us - without a fight - long story). For her friend, it could be to the person that caused the accident. I wrote all my anger and rage out onto a piece of paper and read it to a friend over & over again until it -truly- left me. I don't know how this works, but it did!

I cried and sobbed while I read my letter. All my friend did was listen, cry with me and then just listened some more. And by the eight time I read it, the crying and sobbing had diminished. l worked thru my own grief. And by doing so, the anger and whatever rage I had bottled up inside me were released.

My feelings and thoughts of anger, helplessness and rage - put down on paper - were transformed. They became - like flies stuck on flypaper - out there away from me and finally outside of me. This new found freedom allows me to create anew. A new life transformed from one of anger and grief to one of acceptance, love and peace.

In closing, I ask that we WAKE UP!! and realize that families in grief do not need to hear "get over it..." "Life goes on..." "It's time to move on..." "I know what you are feeling..." All they need is a compassionate ear that will listen unconditionally & without judgment and without fear to speak of death.

I realized that to remain in my dark cave of fear, is to not know & live with the world around me.

Learning to forgive

Every morning

Imagine every morning waking up and feeling;
"I don't want to live another day without my
child in my life."

Feeling that, on the side of the highway
is where my child left this world.
Alone and hurt, you left this life
To live anew -
free of pain and sorrow.

But waking up, I see your empty bed.
Everybody tells me that I must get closure.
So again I try gathering your clothes and
start putting them in boxes - ready to go.
But as I drive to work and see your memorial,
on the side of the road, the tears come...
all over again.

Every morning I feel the rage and anger
for that careless driver who took
your life from me.

Every night I feel your absence.

But every morning I awake again
and try to live another day
because I know I must.
God does have bigger plans for me.

I wake up and continue my life because
I don't want yours to be forgotten.
I need to let the world know that
you are a person of significance.

That you mattered - to me!

I need to remember, I need to live!
To be free and to laugh again.
I am the only one that can set me free!
And for that I need to learn to forgive.

Forgive them, forgive you...
- forgive me.


These words came to me early in the morning. I awoke and sat down with the urge to write. These words are not mine and the feelings expressed are not my feelings but feel them I do. I am sobbing with such pain and sorrow as I write these words. The pain and suffering that these words express is running all my emotions and are mine to feel. I am feeling the pain of a parent who has lost a child - though I have not.

At first I reasoned them to be hollow because I have not lost a child so how can I be writing in first person. I even tried to rewrite them from a stranger's perspective & It just would not be. So I accepted what was coming to me.

Secondly a thought entered my mind for a moment. I always have these premonition in my dreams - so could this be of a future day in my life?? NO not my only son!!!! The emotions became horrifying for a second and the pain and sorrow became mine. Then I got present to where these words were coming from.

About 2 weeks ago I took pictures of a roadside Memorial of a 9yr old girl who lost her life because of a careless driver. The DUI driver ran a red light & side swiped the van driven by this little girl's mom. I am at the site taking pictures & I get this overwhelming sensation that someone is watching me & trying to tell me something. No not an average Joe, but an other-worldy somebody. So I got anxious & I freaked out - hastenly I took the pictures and left.

Ever since then, the face of this little fair-skinned, platinum blonde girl is in my thoughts. I have seen this face before & now for the past two weeks, I cannot shake it. So now I realize that these words are a message that must be communicated.

So you might say that I have just made a giant leap, but it is clear to me the connection. The message is what was being communicated to me at the memorial site - it is what freaked me out - I just did not want to hear it at the time. But I am the one who gets these messages & this is what needs to be communicated. As I explained in previous post, I have been getting this type of messages most of life.

But several months ago I started to accept this ability and declared a new possibility to live my life around.

I declared : The Possibility of being the One to deliver God's message of Peace, Love and Fulfillment.
And here it is - I must deliver it. Every bit of my body tells me that this I must do.

Now don't think that these messages come clearly and easily to me. Its been two weeks of ups and downs - maybe because I was resisting it. Lots of confusion and unclear thought has occurred in my life. So when I declared my possibility I asked for clarity and signs of what I needed to understand. And I got those signs.

The way that I get them is thru subtle signs in my own life. Over the past two weeks I've had incidents where my communications with others has gone wrong. Far too many occurrences where what was expressed either did not make it to the party intended or just misunderstandings of what I had communicated.

You may call them coincidences, but I do not believe in coincidences anymore. All my life I've have had far too many signs of that - just that I did not want to see them.

So when I looked at what was occurring, I found what was missing in my mode of communication. I saw that I was missing clarity and just allowing the communications to occur. As soon as I distinguished that & declared the Possibility of Clarity and Self-Expression - bam! this message comes thru loud and clearly.

Again the pattern is that I have a vivid dream and in the morning I know I need to act. Now with my new possibility the next step requires action. Ok so how do I communicate the message of peace & acceptance to a parent who is probably still grieving and may not want to hear it? How do I tell a parent that this is the message I got from her daughter when I visited her memorial?

Like Nike says... "Just Do It!"

Your Soul Family

Mike's death left me with some unfinished business. I needed to communicate to MB that Mike did not die alone. Even though his blood family was not at his funeral, his new family - his soul family - was there to be with him. So I emailed her a piece of the short story I am writing to communicate this to her.

This is the story of Kirk. He is a bitter old man who is forgotten about in a Florida nursing home. He is bitter because he feels that his family has abandoned him there. His friend are all passing away and he finds himself all alone. But his caregiver, Mercy loves him more than he thought was possible to be loved. She gives of herself more than his own family.

...It is the day of Pipo's funeral. As the car approaches the funeral home, Kirk sees Mercy. Mercy, I'm sorry about your dad and I'm sorry that I was so self-involved to realize who you are for me in my life. I have been a fool! "You are a fool..." adds Mercy, jokingly. “You've never noticed that you have my family that loves you. You were ready to throw that away!

Do you see that families are not created solely by blood, you know." She continues. "Some families are just grown from the possibility of love, compassion and respect for one another. Sharing that with another, so profoundly, makes them a soul family."

Mercy continues "The gift that we all possess is the gift of listening - just listening! Sharing your listening is a wonderful gift. Nothing more is asked of you! Just take the time to do this compassionately and you will see a change in your life! All we need to do is share that love and you will have us as family. All I want is for you to allow us to share that with you."

Mercy started to crack Kirk's impenetrable shell. She is pealing off layer of that onion he wraps himself into. She opened up his frozen heart and Kirk was now able to allow himself to be loved. He was fully able to live the possibility of Love and Peace in his life.

Several months have passed since Kirk realized the true meaning of family and those months have been the most wonderful months of his life. His life was profoundly impacted and he was living the Possibility of Love and Peace. He even made it his mission to spread that to every soul he met and people started to see him not as a grumpy old man - but as a loving one. He was finally living a life he enjoyed and was even having fun getting to know people. He even inspired people to love him for who he was being.

But tonight is an unsettling evening for us. See Kirk has been sick for several weeks and the doctors do not give him much time. I feel that he is going to leave this earthly plain real soon.

See, last night I had one of my vivid dreams where I am one of two souls playing in the clouds. The two clouds swirling and chasing one another in a playful exhibition of joy. Pure white clouds - with nothing but a beautiful blue sky to serve as a backdrop. I am living a peaceful and loving interaction with Kirk’s soul. We are having so much fun just experiencing one another, when all of a sudden he pulls away. I feel him saying goodbye as he swooshes away to never return! As he flies off, I wake up from my dream, completely out of breath and wheezing for air. It takes me a few moments to get my air back. It is now 4:30 in the morning and the phone rings. Mercy, don’t tell me its Kirk” I said. Yes, how did you know. The doctors give him only a few more moments, please come down as soon as possible.

I wake up Marc and rush right over to the hospital. I think I ran thru that last stop light at the corner of Lantana and Congress. When I get to the hospital, all I can do is pace back & forth with no sense of peace. Marc falls asleep on the uncomfortable chairs & I try to comfort him into thinking that nothing is wrong. He is here about to lose another friend and all I want to do is shield him from this loss. I don't know what else to do.

I heard a soft voice call my name & I walk over into Kirk’s room in ICU. I leaned over, kissed his forehead & whispered "I love you." I feel a soft squeeze from his time-weathered hand. He just lays there peacefully sleeping for a few more minutes, when all of a sudden, I feel his spirit rush thru as a quick gust passes in front of me. Strangely it smelled like violets - his favorite flower!

At that moment the expression of pain that had his brow wrapped up in a tight clench eased up. The tense frown that dominated his pale red lips now seems to banish & the pink color returns to them momentarily. A tiny tear, tries to squeeze its way out from the wrinkled corner of his right eye. The tear slowly leaves his sky blue eye and starts to drip down his cheek.

As it trails down his weathered face, Mercy takes her soft laced, white linen handkerchief and lovingly wipes away any fears of death that may be growing.

I see the signs of death creeping up on Kirk. His face has a different look and his soul is no longer present. It has lifted away and is about to leave the room when Kirk lovingly utters his last words, "I love you!”

That night Kirk passed away -- not alone as had always been the haunting of his nightmares -- but with his new found 'soul' family by his side.

As his spirit leaves him, Kirk's soul reaches out to Mercy and gives her one last gift - a beautiful legacy! A heart song playing in the background:


"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say...
It is well, it is well, with my soul."


This soft acapella theme, accompanied by angelic sounds speaks to her like angels singing directly to her soul. This song is forever connected with Kirk for her. It plays quietly in her heart every day of her life. With every step, with every challenge, with every triumph, it serves to give her peace & serenity, knowing that Kirk is with God.

Ohh! but most exciting of all – without fail - this angel song accompanies Mercy in her life. It now has been six months since Kirk passed away and there have been good days & bad ones. But everytime Mercy questions God for taking Kirk, this beautiful song comes on the radio. Every time Mercy's path is in question, or when life falters for her. Whenever Mercy is afraid and steps away from God, she is reminded that she is not alone. This is Kirk's way of letting Mercy know that he is with her - every step of the way - every day of her life.

He is one with her soul. And it is well with her soul. His message of love and peace is clearly and lovingly declared - now the whole world will forever know who Kirk is.

Peace is with him now and may love and peace forever fill your soul.

What you Resist - Persists

No more roadblocks! I realized what has been stopping me from completing my Descansos project.

If it wasn't for an exercise that we did on workday #2, I would have never realized that the sadness that possessed me originated from my days living in the South Bronx. I lived my whole life with the premise that "they will not take me! I will not be the next victim on the side of the road!" I am tough & they will not get me! This was all to hide the fact that I was really a scared little boy facing death & not knowing how to deal with it. This dates back to some of my childhood experiences of living in the war-torn South Bronx of the 70's. A place where violence, gangs and territory wars were the events of the day.

I realize now that it was only five years of my life. I also realized that in trying to block out the negative events from my past, I have inadvertently blocked out every good memory as well.

"What you resist - persists"

So to live my possibility of Self-Expression, I also took on creating a blog of those stories. By telling the stories (read them here), I am now able to release my anger; my fears and my stories of what happened in the past. I am able to live a life where the past is really behind me. A life where I can say:

I lived in the Bronx. I experience death around me & that is the past. I am no longer fearful & I am not the next victim on the side of the road.

So I came to understand that this past kept creeping up on me and I was constantly resisting it. This project has confronted me with my past. Those memories were so well repressed that I did not accept them as stories. I lived them as who I am. I always felt at risk of being the next victim on the side of the road - I was angry, sad, and scared. Now I create my life. I was living my future based on my past, but now my future will be a clean slate.

I have the freedom to co-create my life with God by my side. I am a Tabula Rasa. A free, self-authored mind that will be a creation of my future.

Therefore, the premise for the Descansos project is for the families to tell their stories. Allow those stories to exist outside of you & not define you. I want the families to see the artist's expression & see that the story lives over there now. They can now have room to create their lives. They too can have a Tabula Rasa where their life can flourish - never forgetting the past - but realizing that the past cannot define the future.

Inspiration to get me moving

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." -- T.S. Eliot

"Live out of your imagination, not your history." -- Stephen Covey

"Life does not happen to us, it happens from us." -- Mike Wickett

"The principles you live by create the world you live in; if you change the principles you live by, you will change your world." -- Blaine Lee

"Keep my words positive, because my words become behaviors.
Keep my behaviors positive, because my behaviors become habits.
Keep my habit positive, because my habits become my values.
Keep my values positive, because they become my destiny." -- Mahatma Gandhi

"Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still." -- Ancient Chinese proverb

The last one is probably my most favorite. Just keep it moving. Even if I am not sure where it's going - just keep it moving.