Take Down That Memorials! By Force (Part Deux)

Man has built in himself images as a fence of security – religious, political, personal. These manifest as symbols, ideas, beliefs. The burden of these images dominates man’s thinking, his relationships, and his daily life. These images are the cause of our problems, for they divide man from man.
--Jiddu Krishnamurti (1895-1986, Indian Philosopher)

Again I was reading up on opinions that people have towards roadside memorials. More of the same responds "sorry about your loss... but grieve in private"; "those things are dangerous... distracting drivers."; and even "I am sick of those dam memorials... I don't want to be reminded of death."

But my opinion is that these memorials are not about death. For death can be honored at the gravesite. I feel that the memorials are about life!

Huhhh! you say.

Well memorials say more about the person who puts it up then the person who has passed. It talks about what they have to deal with now that their loved one is gone. They express their loss and serve it to the world to take a drink. Some of us taste the soup of death and call it bitter, while other savor it for what it is - A fact of life. Allow them to expresses their world and the experience of it.

"a man's dying is more the survivor's affair than his own"
- Thomas Mann

I want to believe that these memorials are about life, love, remembrance & ultimately a celebration of life itself. I want to believe that the family are concerned for their fellow human being and are warning us to drive safely.

So my way of accepting - no creating! - my life is to see what is available for me out of this experience. What I see available is to experience life to the fullest & to see life in the following way:

Life :: Life is a glorious cycle of song (- Dorothy Parker)
Love :: Love is a thing that can never go wrong (- Dorothy Parker)
Remembrance :: Live in the present & make it beautiful (- Ida Scott Taylor)
Celebration :: Praising what is lost makes the remembrance dear (- Shakespeare)

I will create myself as a being with "images" of life that do not serve as my fences...
...but serve as windows to the world. Here is where I will survey the horizon and from where I can step outward to what is possible.

Baby Grace :: Experience the Twinkle and Sparkle of Life

I just received a preliminary sketch of Baby Grace's roadside memorial. I'm really excited that Nancy B. decided to assist me on this project by preparing this sketch. I plan to make a presentation of this roadside memorial to Andy P. to see if he would allow me to place this memorial at the entry to his recycling plant.

So you may be asking yourself why I would do this for a child I never knew. This baby was not a relative of mine - I don't even know what she looks like. My answer honestly has to be "I don't know!"

I don't have a valid reason for doing it... nor can I even justify an excuse for NOT doing it. I don't know why or for what reason, I just know it's something I must do. If I don't do it then who will!?? Who will make sure that her death was not in vain.

See Baby Grace died without a mother to acknowledge her, no family to take care of her body and in spite of that - she did not die alone. The twinkle of a newborn's life was not lost on the factory worker that found her body. The sparkle her life had to offer is NOT wasted - it is recycled back to the universe! Back into you & I.

The way I see it is that this little angel came into this world to show us that a single soul - in one day of life - actually made a difference in our humanity by touching many lives! She made an impact in the lives of the recycling plant owner who was inspired to pay for the funeral; on the 50 people compelled to go to the funeral of a child they did not know; and she made an impact on my life! She has touched more people in her single day of life than many of us allow ourselves in a whole lifetime.

What her life inspired in me is to :
Imagine what I can do with the years of my life...

How many people, in my life, do I actually have a positive impact on? How many people do I leave them in better spirits/ feelings/ state of mind, then when I first met them? I yelled at my son before leaving the house; at the gas station I tossed the cash on to the counter; on the road I cut somebody off really close. See, like many of us, I live my life like I don't have time, I'm too busy running my business - too busy needing to make a living - too busy raising a family, that I do not have time to care about the other.

This is not living - that's surviving!

I am too busy with the everyday stuff that... I forgot to live life to its fullest. Forget to appreciate what & who is really around me in my life. I know the postman got a 'get out of my way' look this morning.

So from what I see missing, I am inventing the possibility of...
experiencing the Twinkle and Sparkle that life has to offer each and every one of us...

With this new insight on life & with the experience of Baby Grace's life, I can really see that experiencing what life has to offer would really be living life to the fullest. Enjoying every moment like it really matters... because it really does.

"Carpe Diem! Seize the day, lads! Make your lives extraordinary!"

"--Dead Poets Society

Baby Grace :: Update

This morning, in the process of moving my office, I found a copy of the letter I wrote to the CEO of Sun Recycling on December 28, 2006. Sun Recycling is where Baby Grace's body was found in the dumpster back in November. See on Dec 21st, Sun Recycling provided a funeral service to honor her death and again I had a hard time dealing with this story. I could not live with the news story that one-day old Baby Grace, was laid to rest. I could not accept that a human being could discarded a baby like yesterday's trash. I could not accept that a human being can be so cold & heartless.

But judgements do nothing but criticize. Actually what I could not accept was living with my own inadequacies - my story that a single human cannot make any difference. See my story sounded like this: "That's just the way things are..." and "It's unfair but what can I do about it?..." I have valid reasons for being this way & I hear that story running like a tape in my head - over and over again... I got sick of it!!! I cannot just sit here & let it go by like yesterday's news - into the trash. I could not accept that things had to be like this.

Appropriately so the week I was looking for what I can do, the S.E.L.P. classroom was about "being unreasonable." Living outside of the reasons we give ourselves; beyond the limits we live in; beyond an ordinary life and just living into an extraordinary life. So I took on that challenge. I want an extra-ordinary life!

So I made an "unreasonable" request! My letter requested that, besides being unreasonable in providing funeral services for a baby he never knew, I wanted him to be even more unreasonable. I wanted him to allow me to create a Roadside Memorial for Baby Grace on his property. The request was so that I can create my live outside my limits and beyond my reasons. And so that in living an unreasonable life I can dream of an unreasonable society where - not one more baby gets discarded into the trash.

A month went by with no reply and I started to feel small again. My reasons showed up again. Reasons like: "this is just too morbid" - "too weird." - "I don't have any relationship with this poor baby." - "this is too much work!" It is these very reasons that kept my humanity small!

So this morning, as I am thinking of this letter, I get a phone call from Sun Recycling. The call caught me off guard since the man, Andy P. quickly introduced himself and went right into - what are you asking of us! I thought he was going to say no - but he went right into "what do you want to create and what do we have to deal with."

I am amazed at the generosity of these men! The level of commitment, love and compassion. This is inspiring to see the better side of our humanity.

Hope for the future

Today I was able to define the statement for The Compassionate Friends newsletter. In this third workday of the SELP I was able to define my mission statement very clearly. It reads like this:

What I am out to create is to transform the energy of grief, loss, anger and hopelessness into the energy of love, peace and fulfillment. The way that I can make this possibility real is by assisting bereaved parents, who have lost a child thru a traffic fatality. To honor the memory of their child, artists will create a work of art that is representative of the parent's dream, hopes and aspirations. See the future of that child was taken away and the parent no longer has that for their child. The artwork will be indicative of who that child was; the child's favorite color; their favorite activity, etc. It is putting down on canvas the story that represents who their child was for them. Anything that would pay tribute to and honor the memory of their child.

The paintings from different families will be united into a single exhibit that would represent hope and fullfilment. By presenting the paintings in a public space, the family will see that their child's death can serve a higher purpose and that it was not in vain.

The exhibit will also allow other bereaved parents to experience this memorial and realize that there is hope out there for them. They will be inspired by these painting, and the memorials that they represent, to honor their own child by living a life full of love, peace and hope.

My dream is that these paintings will allow families to experience love, peace and fullfilment as a way to alliviate their grief and feelings of loss, anger and hopelessness.

Baby Grace

On Dec 21, a funeral service was held for a baby girl only days old. The services at St. Matthew Catholic Church was held in the presence of 50 persons who really cared for Baby Grace. People like the workers who found her 6-pound, 19-1/2-inch body; the police detective who is investigating her death; even the owner of the plant, who paid for the services, was present. But unfortunately a grieving mother was nowhere to be found.

See Baby Grace was found dead in a garbage dumpster, her umbilical chord still attached. She was buried in a donated, ivory-colored dress trimmed with tiny rosebuds and pearls. The white 2-foot long casket carried this angel to her final resting place. The motorcade taking her to the cemetery even had a police escort. She came into this world all alone, but definitely did not leave it that way. She was surrounded by 50 persons who cared for her - even though they were all strangers.

Florida law allows parents to drop off unwanted babies at hospitals, fire stations and emergency medical facilities with no penalty of law. So Baby Grace's mother must have been in a serious situation and maybe not even aware of this law. My assertion is that she must have been desperately alone. Why else would she see discarding Baby Grace into a dumpster as her only option and why would she never step forward to claim her when she was found. Lord, give me strength!

So through Baby Grace's memory I can see the possibility of Love, Forgiveness and Compassion. By creating this possibility, out of what I see missing, I can go out into this world and make sure that her death was not in vain. I can commemorate the memory of Baby Grace; I can learn to forgive such an inhumane act and I can create compassion so that not another baby will be discarded into the trash.

Learning to forgive

Every morning

Imagine every morning waking up and feeling;
"I don't want to live another day without my
child in my life."

Feeling that, on the side of the highway
is where my child left this world.
Alone and hurt, you left this life
To live anew -
free of pain and sorrow.

But waking up, I see your empty bed.
Everybody tells me that I must get closure.
So again I try gathering your clothes and
start putting them in boxes - ready to go.
But as I drive to work and see your memorial,
on the side of the road, the tears come...
all over again.

Every morning I feel the rage and anger
for that careless driver who took
your life from me.

Every night I feel your absence.

But every morning I awake again
and try to live another day
because I know I must.
God does have bigger plans for me.

I wake up and continue my life because
I don't want yours to be forgotten.
I need to let the world know that
you are a person of significance.

That you mattered - to me!

I need to remember, I need to live!
To be free and to laugh again.
I am the only one that can set me free!
And for that I need to learn to forgive.

Forgive them, forgive you...
- forgive me.


These words came to me early in the morning. I awoke and sat down with the urge to write. These words are not mine and the feelings expressed are not my feelings but feel them I do. I am sobbing with such pain and sorrow as I write these words. The pain and suffering that these words express is running all my emotions and are mine to feel. I am feeling the pain of a parent who has lost a child - though I have not.

At first I reasoned them to be hollow because I have not lost a child so how can I be writing in first person. I even tried to rewrite them from a stranger's perspective & It just would not be. So I accepted what was coming to me.

Secondly a thought entered my mind for a moment. I always have these premonition in my dreams - so could this be of a future day in my life?? NO not my only son!!!! The emotions became horrifying for a second and the pain and sorrow became mine. Then I got present to where these words were coming from.

About 2 weeks ago I took pictures of a roadside Memorial of a 9yr old girl who lost her life because of a careless driver. The DUI driver ran a red light & side swiped the van driven by this little girl's mom. I am at the site taking pictures & I get this overwhelming sensation that someone is watching me & trying to tell me something. No not an average Joe, but an other-worldy somebody. So I got anxious & I freaked out - hastenly I took the pictures and left.

Ever since then, the face of this little fair-skinned, platinum blonde girl is in my thoughts. I have seen this face before & now for the past two weeks, I cannot shake it. So now I realize that these words are a message that must be communicated.

So you might say that I have just made a giant leap, but it is clear to me the connection. The message is what was being communicated to me at the memorial site - it is what freaked me out - I just did not want to hear it at the time. But I am the one who gets these messages & this is what needs to be communicated. As I explained in previous post, I have been getting this type of messages most of life.

But several months ago I started to accept this ability and declared a new possibility to live my life around.

I declared : The Possibility of being the One to deliver God's message of Peace, Love and Fulfillment.
And here it is - I must deliver it. Every bit of my body tells me that this I must do.

Now don't think that these messages come clearly and easily to me. Its been two weeks of ups and downs - maybe because I was resisting it. Lots of confusion and unclear thought has occurred in my life. So when I declared my possibility I asked for clarity and signs of what I needed to understand. And I got those signs.

The way that I get them is thru subtle signs in my own life. Over the past two weeks I've had incidents where my communications with others has gone wrong. Far too many occurrences where what was expressed either did not make it to the party intended or just misunderstandings of what I had communicated.

You may call them coincidences, but I do not believe in coincidences anymore. All my life I've have had far too many signs of that - just that I did not want to see them.

So when I looked at what was occurring, I found what was missing in my mode of communication. I saw that I was missing clarity and just allowing the communications to occur. As soon as I distinguished that & declared the Possibility of Clarity and Self-Expression - bam! this message comes thru loud and clearly.

Again the pattern is that I have a vivid dream and in the morning I know I need to act. Now with my new possibility the next step requires action. Ok so how do I communicate the message of peace & acceptance to a parent who is probably still grieving and may not want to hear it? How do I tell a parent that this is the message I got from her daughter when I visited her memorial?

Like Nike says... "Just Do It!"