Strangest Coincidence...

Today the strangest 'coincidence' occurred for me. As I am driving down the Fla Turnpike I am on the phone with my mother (headset of course). See two major things were occurring for me these last weeks.

First :: My mother is ill (diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and given only 9 months to live). She had an incident this weekend and went to the emergency room. I was feeling guilty because I was out of town for the weekend and now Monday I am loaded up with client meetings. I did not allow time to be with her - and its four days now. I'm feeling really guilty about this - even my sister made a point that I have not spent to much time with my mother since she became ill. She tells me "we don't have much time with her..." This whole weekend I have been dealing with what could happen to my mother.

Second :: I have been thinking of the roadside memorial of Laura Maness. I even dreamt about her life and was visualizing the decorations on her memorial. See her memorial is decorated with flowers, toys and angels. I was considering going to the memorial and retaking some pictures, but have not made time for that. I was also thinking of the legislation that her husband Lawrence Maness got passed to create Spouse Day in her memory. See Laura left behind 5 kids and Lawrence would honor her commitment to her family while she was alive by having a "spouse day" for her. The legislation of Spouse Day takes that honor and makes it a possibility for all of us.

Both of these events have been keeping my mind preoccupied. So now back to the Turnpike. As I hang up the phone with my mother I start to feel that I should be there with my mother - instead of driving to Miami to meet with my clients. The little voice in my head is telling me "Who knows how much longer you are going to have with her..." I resigned myself to continuing my trip to Miami - and shrugged-off my guilt about my mother. so my story is "Oh sure she will understand - after all I need to keep my business running and clients just won't understand."

At this moment my rear passenger-side tire explodes! I try to cross to the shoulder to the right - but there are a couple of cars there. The tire feels more like its ready to fall off the rim, so I slide over to the center emergency lane. This lane is barely wide enough for my car so I squeeze in - trying to leave myself room to change the tire and not be in the travel lane. I have no idea where I am nor what exit I am near.

As I sit there for a couple of minutes trying to make calls to towing companies and I start to get frustrated that its going to take several hours to get this done. Again I think about my mother and the fact that I am not with her nor am I going to make this meeting with my clients. I got frustrated and open up the door. As I start to step out of the car, I freeze in my tracks.

I froze because I am standing facing the roadside memorial of Laura Maness just across the road. This sends goose bumps up my spine and causes me to breakout in tears! I had no clue where I was - until that moment! Forget the meeting! I start to think of Laura's kids - they do not have a mother alive to be with. I do! Laura was a mother of 5 kids and she lost her life in her prime. My mother also has 5 kids and now is stricken, with terminal cancer, in her prime. No coincidence here! I have been dealing with both of these items and in this moment I am confront by both issues.

I consider this moment to be an omen - trying to show me where my relationship with my mother is heading. If things continue as they are I may lose my mother before I could say goodbye. I breakdown in tears at the thought of losing my mother.

This is the kind of thing that brings me back to reality and allows me to see what is really important in this life. So what I got from this experience is the possibility of Love, Relatedness and Courage. With courage I can face my mom's illness & possible death; I can love her how she is and how she is not - right now! & being related to who she is fills me with hope.

Today I met an Incredible Soul.

Today I met the person I've been looking for, without even knowing who she was going to be & without physically meeting with her - just a voice on the phone. I was driving home and listening to talk radio. The caller is talking about spirits & she says that there's a message that needs to be delivered. This caught my attention & I raised the volume.

At that moment a commercial for an eye care product comes on the radio & I hear "You must call... this message is for you." Sure this sounds like a typical sales pitch, but I felt an omen at that moment and needed to call - not for the product - but for the message. I felt that there was a message for me to hear. I can't explain it - but I needed to call.

So as the operator is describing the product, we start chit-chatting. She asks me a few questions about me & before I know it she is suggesting that I read "Power of Now." "I was just looking into getting it" I replied. We continue to talk & I am feeling inspired by her words coming thru on the phone. She was so uplifting & very supportive, without even knowing who I was. So I tell her that I appreciate her words & ask her how she can keep up her spirits. She replies that normally it's not hard, but today was a bit difficult because a friend of hers has just lost him wife & child to a car accident.

Holy S*%T - no coincidence that I am here talking with her!! I explained to her that this is what my project is about & how I am working to assist families with this type of grief. "This is exactly what I was looking for" she tells me. Then she asks why I do this. I explain to her that "I do this because I have lost 7 person in the last nine years & I needed to heal." But also explain that most of those people have come to me in spirit right before passing. And that they all wanted to convey the message of "Peace & Love" for us all. She replies "Wow, that funny! because I talk with people after they have passed" & the message they need to convey is pretty much the same.

I say no coincidence because before I called, I was doubting that I was not going to be able to coach my participants of the upcoming Self-Expression and Leadership program, effectively (That was my little voice trying to talk me out of it). I was asking God for someone who would understand what I was up to, who I am and the ability to put into words what I was looking to accomplish.

I asked for inspiration and wisdom. And sure enough there was this voice on the other end providing exactly what I had asked for. She even put into word what this Descansos project is all about...

"Transforming the energy of grief, rage and hopelessness into and energy of peace, harmony and love."

This is exactly how I can verbalize the intent of my project. Thank you.

Now for the friend, who lost his family, I needed to verbalize a message. That the only thing we can do is listen. The feeling of grief is his and his alone - it can be overwhelming at times though. No words of wisdom will offer relief because our version of grief is not his version. The only thing that matters is being a compassionate ear for him - Be a stand for his ability to work thru his grief and just be there to allow him to express his grief & hopelessness.

So in my experience of loosing someone dear to me so unexpectantly, was to get it out! The thing that worked for me was to write a 'suffering' letter to the person with whom I was angry. (In my case - I was angry at my father-in-law for dying - & leaving us - without a fight - long story). For her friend, it could be to the person that caused the accident. I wrote all my anger and rage out onto a piece of paper and read it to a friend over & over again until it -truly- left me. I don't know how this works, but it did!

I cried and sobbed while I read my letter. All my friend did was listen, cry with me and then just listened some more. And by the eight time I read it, the crying and sobbing had diminished. l worked thru my own grief. And by doing so, the anger and whatever rage I had bottled up inside me were released.

My feelings and thoughts of anger, helplessness and rage - put down on paper - were transformed. They became - like flies stuck on flypaper - out there away from me and finally outside of me. This new found freedom allows me to create anew. A new life transformed from one of anger and grief to one of acceptance, love and peace.

In closing, I ask that we WAKE UP!! and realize that families in grief do not need to hear "get over it..." "Life goes on..." "It's time to move on..." "I know what you are feeling..." All they need is a compassionate ear that will listen unconditionally & without judgment and without fear to speak of death.

I realized that to remain in my dark cave of fear, is to not know & live with the world around me.

Learning to forgive

Every morning

Imagine every morning waking up and feeling;
"I don't want to live another day without my
child in my life."

Feeling that, on the side of the highway
is where my child left this world.
Alone and hurt, you left this life
To live anew -
free of pain and sorrow.

But waking up, I see your empty bed.
Everybody tells me that I must get closure.
So again I try gathering your clothes and
start putting them in boxes - ready to go.
But as I drive to work and see your memorial,
on the side of the road, the tears come...
all over again.

Every morning I feel the rage and anger
for that careless driver who took
your life from me.

Every night I feel your absence.

But every morning I awake again
and try to live another day
because I know I must.
God does have bigger plans for me.

I wake up and continue my life because
I don't want yours to be forgotten.
I need to let the world know that
you are a person of significance.

That you mattered - to me!

I need to remember, I need to live!
To be free and to laugh again.
I am the only one that can set me free!
And for that I need to learn to forgive.

Forgive them, forgive you...
- forgive me.


These words came to me early in the morning. I awoke and sat down with the urge to write. These words are not mine and the feelings expressed are not my feelings but feel them I do. I am sobbing with such pain and sorrow as I write these words. The pain and suffering that these words express is running all my emotions and are mine to feel. I am feeling the pain of a parent who has lost a child - though I have not.

At first I reasoned them to be hollow because I have not lost a child so how can I be writing in first person. I even tried to rewrite them from a stranger's perspective & It just would not be. So I accepted what was coming to me.

Secondly a thought entered my mind for a moment. I always have these premonition in my dreams - so could this be of a future day in my life?? NO not my only son!!!! The emotions became horrifying for a second and the pain and sorrow became mine. Then I got present to where these words were coming from.

About 2 weeks ago I took pictures of a roadside Memorial of a 9yr old girl who lost her life because of a careless driver. The DUI driver ran a red light & side swiped the van driven by this little girl's mom. I am at the site taking pictures & I get this overwhelming sensation that someone is watching me & trying to tell me something. No not an average Joe, but an other-worldy somebody. So I got anxious & I freaked out - hastenly I took the pictures and left.

Ever since then, the face of this little fair-skinned, platinum blonde girl is in my thoughts. I have seen this face before & now for the past two weeks, I cannot shake it. So now I realize that these words are a message that must be communicated.

So you might say that I have just made a giant leap, but it is clear to me the connection. The message is what was being communicated to me at the memorial site - it is what freaked me out - I just did not want to hear it at the time. But I am the one who gets these messages & this is what needs to be communicated. As I explained in previous post, I have been getting this type of messages most of life.

But several months ago I started to accept this ability and declared a new possibility to live my life around.

I declared : The Possibility of being the One to deliver God's message of Peace, Love and Fulfillment.
And here it is - I must deliver it. Every bit of my body tells me that this I must do.

Now don't think that these messages come clearly and easily to me. Its been two weeks of ups and downs - maybe because I was resisting it. Lots of confusion and unclear thought has occurred in my life. So when I declared my possibility I asked for clarity and signs of what I needed to understand. And I got those signs.

The way that I get them is thru subtle signs in my own life. Over the past two weeks I've had incidents where my communications with others has gone wrong. Far too many occurrences where what was expressed either did not make it to the party intended or just misunderstandings of what I had communicated.

You may call them coincidences, but I do not believe in coincidences anymore. All my life I've have had far too many signs of that - just that I did not want to see them.

So when I looked at what was occurring, I found what was missing in my mode of communication. I saw that I was missing clarity and just allowing the communications to occur. As soon as I distinguished that & declared the Possibility of Clarity and Self-Expression - bam! this message comes thru loud and clearly.

Again the pattern is that I have a vivid dream and in the morning I know I need to act. Now with my new possibility the next step requires action. Ok so how do I communicate the message of peace & acceptance to a parent who is probably still grieving and may not want to hear it? How do I tell a parent that this is the message I got from her daughter when I visited her memorial?

Like Nike says... "Just Do It!"

Your Soul Family

Mike's death left me with some unfinished business. I needed to communicate to MB that Mike did not die alone. Even though his blood family was not at his funeral, his new family - his soul family - was there to be with him. So I emailed her a piece of the short story I am writing to communicate this to her.

This is the story of Kirk. He is a bitter old man who is forgotten about in a Florida nursing home. He is bitter because he feels that his family has abandoned him there. His friend are all passing away and he finds himself all alone. But his caregiver, Mercy loves him more than he thought was possible to be loved. She gives of herself more than his own family.

...It is the day of Pipo's funeral. As the car approaches the funeral home, Kirk sees Mercy. Mercy, I'm sorry about your dad and I'm sorry that I was so self-involved to realize who you are for me in my life. I have been a fool! "You are a fool..." adds Mercy, jokingly. “You've never noticed that you have my family that loves you. You were ready to throw that away!

Do you see that families are not created solely by blood, you know." She continues. "Some families are just grown from the possibility of love, compassion and respect for one another. Sharing that with another, so profoundly, makes them a soul family."

Mercy continues "The gift that we all possess is the gift of listening - just listening! Sharing your listening is a wonderful gift. Nothing more is asked of you! Just take the time to do this compassionately and you will see a change in your life! All we need to do is share that love and you will have us as family. All I want is for you to allow us to share that with you."

Mercy started to crack Kirk's impenetrable shell. She is pealing off layer of that onion he wraps himself into. She opened up his frozen heart and Kirk was now able to allow himself to be loved. He was fully able to live the possibility of Love and Peace in his life.

Several months have passed since Kirk realized the true meaning of family and those months have been the most wonderful months of his life. His life was profoundly impacted and he was living the Possibility of Love and Peace. He even made it his mission to spread that to every soul he met and people started to see him not as a grumpy old man - but as a loving one. He was finally living a life he enjoyed and was even having fun getting to know people. He even inspired people to love him for who he was being.

But tonight is an unsettling evening for us. See Kirk has been sick for several weeks and the doctors do not give him much time. I feel that he is going to leave this earthly plain real soon.

See, last night I had one of my vivid dreams where I am one of two souls playing in the clouds. The two clouds swirling and chasing one another in a playful exhibition of joy. Pure white clouds - with nothing but a beautiful blue sky to serve as a backdrop. I am living a peaceful and loving interaction with Kirk’s soul. We are having so much fun just experiencing one another, when all of a sudden he pulls away. I feel him saying goodbye as he swooshes away to never return! As he flies off, I wake up from my dream, completely out of breath and wheezing for air. It takes me a few moments to get my air back. It is now 4:30 in the morning and the phone rings. Mercy, don’t tell me its Kirk” I said. Yes, how did you know. The doctors give him only a few more moments, please come down as soon as possible.

I wake up Marc and rush right over to the hospital. I think I ran thru that last stop light at the corner of Lantana and Congress. When I get to the hospital, all I can do is pace back & forth with no sense of peace. Marc falls asleep on the uncomfortable chairs & I try to comfort him into thinking that nothing is wrong. He is here about to lose another friend and all I want to do is shield him from this loss. I don't know what else to do.

I heard a soft voice call my name & I walk over into Kirk’s room in ICU. I leaned over, kissed his forehead & whispered "I love you." I feel a soft squeeze from his time-weathered hand. He just lays there peacefully sleeping for a few more minutes, when all of a sudden, I feel his spirit rush thru as a quick gust passes in front of me. Strangely it smelled like violets - his favorite flower!

At that moment the expression of pain that had his brow wrapped up in a tight clench eased up. The tense frown that dominated his pale red lips now seems to banish & the pink color returns to them momentarily. A tiny tear, tries to squeeze its way out from the wrinkled corner of his right eye. The tear slowly leaves his sky blue eye and starts to drip down his cheek.

As it trails down his weathered face, Mercy takes her soft laced, white linen handkerchief and lovingly wipes away any fears of death that may be growing.

I see the signs of death creeping up on Kirk. His face has a different look and his soul is no longer present. It has lifted away and is about to leave the room when Kirk lovingly utters his last words, "I love you!”

That night Kirk passed away -- not alone as had always been the haunting of his nightmares -- but with his new found 'soul' family by his side.

As his spirit leaves him, Kirk's soul reaches out to Mercy and gives her one last gift - a beautiful legacy! A heart song playing in the background:


"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say...
It is well, it is well, with my soul."


This soft acapella theme, accompanied by angelic sounds speaks to her like angels singing directly to her soul. This song is forever connected with Kirk for her. It plays quietly in her heart every day of her life. With every step, with every challenge, with every triumph, it serves to give her peace & serenity, knowing that Kirk is with God.

Ohh! but most exciting of all – without fail - this angel song accompanies Mercy in her life. It now has been six months since Kirk passed away and there have been good days & bad ones. But everytime Mercy questions God for taking Kirk, this beautiful song comes on the radio. Every time Mercy's path is in question, or when life falters for her. Whenever Mercy is afraid and steps away from God, she is reminded that she is not alone. This is Kirk's way of letting Mercy know that he is with her - every step of the way - every day of her life.

He is one with her soul. And it is well with her soul. His message of love and peace is clearly and lovingly declared - now the whole world will forever know who Kirk is.

Peace is with him now and may love and peace forever fill your soul.

Answers to Questions I never knew I had...

I finally got the answer to the question I didn't even know I had this week!

Let me explain. For about two weeks I have been trying to get together with RB who not only is a friend but also works for me. We would schedule a meeting and all week long our meetings would end up not happening or getting rescheduled. This happened about five times. I needed to get some work done & was needing it complete ASAP. So finally we scheduled a meeting for Saturday 11am. This is unusual since he works at his office in the morning & I usually sleep in on Saturdays.

Anyway I was there at 11am. I am sitting there discussing the project and his wife, MB is in the background making phone calls. MB seems to be upset, but RB is focusing on the project. As we are talking, MB walks up behind RB and stands over his shoulders. I look up and realize that she is quietly crying.

I ask MB if she is ok & she replies "no - I just found out that Mike passed away!" Mike is a 97yr old neighbor of hers that she was very close to. I start to feel the pain MB is feeling and the love she has for Mike. She tells me that Mike did not have any kids and the nearest kin was half-way across the country. Mike always had something beautiful to say. His words were elloquent and inspiring. MB tells me that "Mike is a very loving person & I am going to really miss him." As she is telling me this, she askes me if I felt Mike as his soul left his body.

At that moment I realized that I did feel his presence. Mike had intervined all week long in scheduling the meetings. The meetings did not work out (and as you may know by now - I do not believe in coincidences) so that I can be here for her at this very private, very precious moment. See even with all the missed appointments all I dreamt about this entire week was of peace.

I was there to convay to her Mike's expression of peace for her & to allow her to express to Mike her love for him.

The funeral was private. Only loved ones - his caregiver, RB & MB.

Thanks for the Inspiration!!

I spoke with Rep. Irving Slosberg! I was truly inspired by his words but most importantly by his actions! I did research to find out about his political stand and found out that what he stands for is safety on the roadways. I found out that he lost his daughter 10 years ago (along with four other teens) to a tragic accident. Since then he has been an advocate to prevent the loss caused by drunk/careless accidents.

Now I really KNOW that there are no such things as coincidences! I found out in my reseach, that I got in touch with him just days before the 10th anniversity (Feb 23,1996) of the death of his teenage daughter, Dori.

This sent goose bumps up my spine! I was so honored by his actions and asked him if I could attend the memorial services and document it on this blog & the adjoing web site.

So you will see that coming up in the next few days.

Roadblock on the Side of the Road

Here I am! I have to make another Wednesday call to my SELP coach. I don't know what to say to him. I am stuck in my descansos project & he is going to tell me "Not again!" The program started on Dec 3rd and here I am a month later & I am still in the same place. What is my roadblock? What is stopping me from doing my work for this project.

First off I do like my project & I am inspired by it, but it is in my speaking to others that I run into troubles. I seem to be bringing with me sadness & negativity. Typical reaction is "Why would I want to do a SAD project?" "Why don't you choose another project?"

I am not clear on my direction/intentions for this project & it shows. I am a fraud & it shows! In the Advanced course I distinguished my act that I lived by to be "I can't do it so leave me alone!" This declaration seems to be back in full force & they see it! But worse of all I am letting it stop me - I cannot do that I need to get past this.