Interesting Reading

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I was reading a few blogs the other day & came across some interesting reading about descansos. Descansos literally means "resting places" and the idea of resting places as markers in life. I have read Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés views of 'making descansos.' What she says is to take a look at your life and marked where the 'small deaths' and the 'big deaths' have taken place. She suggests to create a timeline of your life and mark down with a cross the places along the timeline where parts of yourself or your life have died - or not has been what you wanted. You mark the roads not taken, paths that were cut off, ambushes, betrayals and death of dreams and ideas you've had. This is a way to acknowledge what worked /did not work in your past so that you can then let it go, as the past, and move on.

To extend this idea further another suggestion was to look at it as 'milestones' in your life. Sit down and remembering the significant milestones. Celebrate the joys and mourn the losses of life. CalmEagle's blog suggests "Just as our ancestors drew on the walls of caves and sat around the campfires telling stories of triumph and tragedy we can engage in the transformative process of using story to help us."

I like this idea! Looking at my life and celebrate my joys, along with mourning my losses as a release of the grief, but most of all as a celebration of life.

This seems like a good way to heal the past.

Baby Grace :: Revisited

So here we are 10 months since Baby Grace passed away & I am wanting to complete the roadside memorial in time for the 1yr anniversary. I allowed a "no" (OR should I say a lack of a "yes") to stop me from doing what I said I would do. See back in Dec, 2006, I contacted Sun Recycling & pitched my idea for the memorial. They said they would consider it and get back to me - I never heard back from them.

In the process of planning this memorial, I've had a profound encounter with this 1 day old child. She showed me the value of acceptance & forgiveness. Her journey ended the same day it started, right before Thanksgiving. In her only day of life, she accomplished more then most of us do in a whole lifetime. She suffered a lonely death, but she did not depart alone. As previously explained, her 6 lb body was found in a construction debris dumpster with the umbilical chord still attached. She was dumped there right after the mother gave birth.

Over the months of following her story, I learned the value of forgiveness. I learned that from her short life. Forgiveness is a powerful gift and it is yours for the taking. All we have to do is give it away or accept it when it comes our way.

All of us do things that we regret & cannot take back. Some more difficult then others, but God forgives all. All we have to do is ask for forgiveness. Now just imagine, really, a lonely mother (possibly at the darkest moment in her life) is looking back at what she has done & not sure if she can forgive her own actions. Just imagine hearing the soul of her 1 day old child whispering "mom, I forgive you..." How would that feel?

Would I be that open and be able to forgive someone who has done me wrong?

So thru this encounter, I get to discover my humanity. Yes, I get to see the flaws of our humanness and the harshness of our humanity. But I also get to see the greatness that we are capable of! See Baby Grace had a regular, loving funeral. She was buried by 50 people who loved her, strangers as they may be. They got to show her love and acceptance. No, there was no mother in sight or family to take care of her, but she did not leave this earth alone.

She was taken care of by the 19yr old kid that found her in the dumpster among the construction debris. She was taken care of by the 3 strangers, owners of the recycling plant where the dumpster dropped of its load. She was not alone nor lonely anymore. This is true acceptance!

This really fills my soul to know that she was loved as she crossed the River Styx.

By creating this memorial, I feel that I can create a public symbol that would deliver the message of forgiveness. I feel that the memorial will let the people, who cared for her, know that her life did not end in vain. It was a life that contributed to many people. Creating the memorial would not only commemorate them, but would also express to all that she can be remembered with dignity.

And I can live with the thought that she did not die in vain.

Sharing a Personal Loss (cont)

I would like to share with you what I've been feeling now that my mother has passed away. I have had the story that I need to be 'strong' for my family. It's been many years that I have not allowed myself to freely show fear, joy, anger, excitement, disappointment, grief - forget being vulnerable! I've dealt with a lot of death in the recent years and I 'had' to be strong. I do not let anyone know that I am fearful of death & that I'm afraid that one day you too will leave me.

When my father-in-law & mother-in-law died I 'had' to be strong for family. Mima was ill for many years with Alzheimer's. She no longer knew who her family was. She did not know that she had a daughter, a son-in-law & grandson. I remember the day my wife asked her "I am your daughter, do you remember me?" and Mima replied "I don't have a daughter!" My wife cried for days! I tried to protect my son from that. What would it feel like for him to hear that she has no clue of who he is. He can't comprehend what is happening to her. I don't know why I did not cry at her funeral - maybe to protect him or actually to protect me from feeling that pain.

When Pipo died, I promised Pipo that I would take care of his daughter & grandson. I promised him that I would not let anything happen to them. The seven months we took care of Pipo in our home, I protected my son from Pipo's hollers of pain. I would create distractions so that he would not have to 'deal' with Pipo's illness & looking back - so that I can escape that pain.

Now fast forward to today. Again I pretended that I would be alright. My ego really has me believing that I can deal with the death of mom. All this time I have been 'strong' & I can deal with death. BUT really I was pretending that I am OK. All this time I have been hiding the fact that I am afraid, feel vulnerable & alone. I kept myself busy so that I would not have to see mom wither away like a wilted rose. How I end up being is closed off from my own feelings.

So when I was interacting with my friends & family, I was really hiding out. Hiding my feelings. I did not want to get too close because they too will leave me & I am going to hurt all over again! I would not tell anyone about my life, because of the fear that they may find me out or may judge me. The impression I get is that I leave them in a funk trying to deal with my disconnect. For that I apologize.

So what you can count on from me is that I will be free to express my feelings, will no longer pretend to be strong & will be present to your (& my own) greatness. I promise to be there to hear you and to listen without judgement; I promise that I will be with you when you need me; I promise I will be free to be me.

Tomorrow is my mom's funeral service & I do not have to be 'strong' anymore. I do not have to pretend that I have it all together. I will be free to be me and free to be with my friends and family.

God has blessed us with a great mother, but even more so with the legacy she created - our family.

Sharing a Personal Loss

"Peace I leave you, My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid". John 14:27

This was my mother's possibility for the world. After she quoted these words last Saturday, I saw her world transform. People came from NY, DC and even Ecuador to be with her. They all shared how they have been touched by her. How her way of being was imprinted in their souls and the magic she caused in their lives

She released her bottle full of angers, recentments and caused our world to transform before our eyes.

Last night my mother passed away in peace as the example of these words. Her last wish was that our family carry on her legacy of being United in Peace.

We are here on this earth if only for this moment - so make your moment matter and be the cause of transformation in your world.

My peace I give to you

Welcomed Intrusions

Today I received a text message from a friend of mine. She needed some information from me and in dealing with my mother's passing in Hospice, I have been unavailable for her a few days. She wrote

"Big Love to you and your family. Hesitating to intrude, but can we talk..."

Wow this left me thinking!?? I get so wrapped in my circumstances & have neglected my 'outside' world. It was so great to hear from her & her message of love, that I see that I have excluded others from my experience of life. So I replied to her:

I want you to know that words of love, compassion and commitment are always a pleasant and welcomed intrusion. My mother, taking what amounts to her last few breaths of this world, felt compelled to say that her "work" is not done. See she is calling for people by name to come to her bedside. Lifelong friends are coming from places like New York, Washington DC & even from Ecuador. They all are expressing appreciation and love for her. Most exciting of all, they are expressing that she has allowed them to be in a state of peace with her passing.

I want you to know that this type of intrusions (in this time of loss) is not only welcomed BUT required in order to cause transformation to be present for the other.

To pin it to a single phrase -

You have to place yourself into the life of others in order to cause transformation in their world.

So the possibility I am inventing for myself & my life is the possibility of being the pathway for Completion, Empowerment and to be in peace.

For Virginia :: When one is forgotten, one dies yet another time.

So regarding my promise to David. I promised David that I would get to see his Descanso for Virginia. I am in Florida & the Descanso is in Arizona. The first thought was " how am I going to get there to see his Descanso?"

So I figured I can ask somebody there to do a favor for me. I have been writing emails making a request for an image of the Descanso. Yes, it is an unreasonable request, but one I know I must do. I feel the promise must be fulfilled. Then the next thought that came to mind is "what makes me think that I can get a stranger to do me a favor." What makes me think that I can get to see his memorial. The Arrogance that I think I can will somebody into doing something for a stranger just because I ask! So I've had to put those thoughts aside & I have to do it anyway. So for the last few weeks, I have been searching for people in Arizona. I did a search for preachers in the area; business owners; even teachers who may teach photography. I started contacting people I didn't know, in Apache Junction, AZ. I sent out many emails, but no reply - all to keep my promise.

One email I sent was to Roy Pope of roypopephotography.com. What caught my attention is the first line in his "About the Artist" page. It reads :

"Roy photographs the world with a pair of loving eyes and a hugging heart."

When I read this, I just knew that I needed to contact him. Something told me that he would be the one to help me fulfill my purpose. So I sent it out!

Two weeks have passed and no reply. That is no replies...

until today! I received an email reply. He has attached a file! My heart is pounding in disbelief! I can't believe it - he attached a photograph! As I open his email, I see three simple lines ending in "Thank You" - wow! he's thanking me - I was the one asking for the favor and he's thanking me. This caught me by surprise! So I replied, thanking him & wondering what was present for him that he is thanking me. His replied:

In this time when mother earth is changing as we willed her to do, this has touched my heart.

He went on to explain

"when one is forgotten, one dies yet another time."

Wow! out of what I thought was a favor for me, he was touched, moved and inspired to take the picture! I now see that having the magic of an "outside the box" life can be had simply out of me being real, expressing what is present for myself and allowing another to experience that.

You just never know what you can cause in the life of another.

We Live, We Love, We forgive & Never Give Up

I just received an email from a friend, Donna. She sent me Superchick's "We Live" (MP3) song - this is such a great song! The part that is most impactful is:

The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway
So get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life
cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living

It comes at a perfect time. My wife & I came to the conclusion, this morning, that we (including my son) have not really dealt with the passing of my father-in-law. Yes, we were fine that it was his time to go, & our son accepted it - but we never really had closure. We were just discussing it this morning because our son says that Pipo (grandpa) comes to talk with him at night & that he is scared. He doesn't even want to talk about Pipo because it makes him "cry."

This song has allowed us to forgive and remember to live & to love. We are now setting a date for a memorial service now that the 3yr anniversary of his passing is coming up.

"We live, we love, we forgive & never give up!"
Thank you Donna for the song. It is inspiring and a great message.

I Love you Enough...

I just read this great story ::

Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughter’s departure had been announced.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, “I love you and I wish you enough.” The daughter replied, “Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom.”

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?”

“Yes, I have,” I replied. “Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?” “I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will be for my funeral,” she said. When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, “I wish you enough.” May I ask what that means?”

She began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. “When we said ‘I wish you enough’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them”.

Then turning toward me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you posses.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, An hour to appreciate them, A day to love them...
and an entire life to forget them.

Baby Grace :: Through Forgiveness...

Through forgiveness, which essentially means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past, and allowing the present moment to be as it is, the miracle of transformation happens not only within but also without. A silent space of intense presence arises both in you and around you.

You dissolve discord, heal pain, dispel unconsciousness--without doing anything--simply by being and holding that frequency of intense presence.

- Eckhardt Tolle, The Power of Now

The other day I was emailing back & forth with a new friend i've just met. She is a friend who lost a child to a traffic accident in 1989. She asked me a simple question "I am curious to see if you know [her son] and if he visited you before he left this earth." I replied that I've only had one child-like energy ever visit me. I shared that about a year ago, I visited a memorial of a child & the message she wanted to give was for her mother to have peace & to assist her parents in learning to let go. And as I am typing this, I don't stop the sentence there. I continue to type "Baby Grace - I feel she wants to find her mom & to allow her to forgive herself for what happened."

I did not have that in my mind & I did not indent to write that down - where did this come from? It just showed up right then & there! So now I can see the reason why I've had an urgent need to continue creating a roadside memorial for Baby Grace. I never had a purpose & never could explain why I was doing this. I was just driven to do so!

With this sentence I got my reason & now I am even more driven to be unreasonable & make my presentation to Sun Recycling. Baby Grace made such an impact on so many people's lives. And the only reason for doing this is so that she can allow her mother to find forgiveness in this world for what happened to Baby Grace.

The memorial will give the world a message that we can move on - in spite of the tragic circumstances - only so that Baby Grace's mother can do so as well. And so in doing that, I feel that all mothers out there in a similar situation can also allow themselves to just forgive the past.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

For Virginia :: Memories of Virginia

Tonite an email arrived that pulled at all my emotions. It reads ::

"Señor, I have maintained my daughter's roadside marker for 14 years now. I will soon be gone as well. It was important for me, in the waning years of my life, to be able to speak with her at the place she last spoke on Earth. I know that this memorial means nothing to anyone but I, and I will soon vanish from existence."

David just wanted to talk & express his story of the pain, sorrow & heartache, he has experienced at the loss of his daughter.

He seemed lonely, but most of all heartbroken. I am getting the impression that he just want to share his story with someone, before he goes.

All I can do is listen with all my heart.

Hope for the future

Today I was able to define the statement for The Compassionate Friends newsletter. In this third workday of the SELP I was able to define my mission statement very clearly. It reads like this:

What I am out to create is to transform the energy of grief, loss, anger and hopelessness into the energy of love, peace and fulfillment. The way that I can make this possibility real is by assisting bereaved parents, who have lost a child thru a traffic fatality. To honor the memory of their child, artists will create a work of art that is representative of the parent's dream, hopes and aspirations. See the future of that child was taken away and the parent no longer has that for their child. The artwork will be indicative of who that child was; the child's favorite color; their favorite activity, etc. It is putting down on canvas the story that represents who their child was for them. Anything that would pay tribute to and honor the memory of their child.

The paintings from different families will be united into a single exhibit that would represent hope and fullfilment. By presenting the paintings in a public space, the family will see that their child's death can serve a higher purpose and that it was not in vain.

The exhibit will also allow other bereaved parents to experience this memorial and realize that there is hope out there for them. They will be inspired by these painting, and the memorials that they represent, to honor their own child by living a life full of love, peace and hope.

My dream is that these paintings will allow families to experience love, peace and fullfilment as a way to alliviate their grief and feelings of loss, anger and hopelessness.

Memories...

"They who think that you are gone,
because no more your face they see,
are wrong, for in our hearts you live
and always will in memory."

"Healing from grief is not a process of forgetting,
It is the process of remembering with less pain and more joy."