Baby Grace :: Revisited

So here we are 10 months since Baby Grace passed away & I am wanting to complete the roadside memorial in time for the 1yr anniversary. I allowed a "no" (OR should I say a lack of a "yes") to stop me from doing what I said I would do. See back in Dec, 2006, I contacted Sun Recycling & pitched my idea for the memorial. They said they would consider it and get back to me - I never heard back from them.

In the process of planning this memorial, I've had a profound encounter with this 1 day old child. She showed me the value of acceptance & forgiveness. Her journey ended the same day it started, right before Thanksgiving. In her only day of life, she accomplished more then most of us do in a whole lifetime. She suffered a lonely death, but she did not depart alone. As previously explained, her 6 lb body was found in a construction debris dumpster with the umbilical chord still attached. She was dumped there right after the mother gave birth.

Over the months of following her story, I learned the value of forgiveness. I learned that from her short life. Forgiveness is a powerful gift and it is yours for the taking. All we have to do is give it away or accept it when it comes our way.

All of us do things that we regret & cannot take back. Some more difficult then others, but God forgives all. All we have to do is ask for forgiveness. Now just imagine, really, a lonely mother (possibly at the darkest moment in her life) is looking back at what she has done & not sure if she can forgive her own actions. Just imagine hearing the soul of her 1 day old child whispering "mom, I forgive you..." How would that feel?

Would I be that open and be able to forgive someone who has done me wrong?

So thru this encounter, I get to discover my humanity. Yes, I get to see the flaws of our humanness and the harshness of our humanity. But I also get to see the greatness that we are capable of! See Baby Grace had a regular, loving funeral. She was buried by 50 people who loved her, strangers as they may be. They got to show her love and acceptance. No, there was no mother in sight or family to take care of her, but she did not leave this earth alone.

She was taken care of by the 19yr old kid that found her in the dumpster among the construction debris. She was taken care of by the 3 strangers, owners of the recycling plant where the dumpster dropped of its load. She was not alone nor lonely anymore. This is true acceptance!

This really fills my soul to know that she was loved as she crossed the River Styx.

By creating this memorial, I feel that I can create a public symbol that would deliver the message of forgiveness. I feel that the memorial will let the people, who cared for her, know that her life did not end in vain. It was a life that contributed to many people. Creating the memorial would not only commemorate them, but would also express to all that she can be remembered with dignity.

And I can live with the thought that she did not die in vain.

Sharing a Personal Loss (cont)

I would like to share with you what I've been feeling now that my mother has passed away. I have had the story that I need to be 'strong' for my family. It's been many years that I have not allowed myself to freely show fear, joy, anger, excitement, disappointment, grief - forget being vulnerable! I've dealt with a lot of death in the recent years and I 'had' to be strong. I do not let anyone know that I am fearful of death & that I'm afraid that one day you too will leave me.

When my father-in-law & mother-in-law died I 'had' to be strong for family. Mima was ill for many years with Alzheimer's. She no longer knew who her family was. She did not know that she had a daughter, a son-in-law & grandson. I remember the day my wife asked her "I am your daughter, do you remember me?" and Mima replied "I don't have a daughter!" My wife cried for days! I tried to protect my son from that. What would it feel like for him to hear that she has no clue of who he is. He can't comprehend what is happening to her. I don't know why I did not cry at her funeral - maybe to protect him or actually to protect me from feeling that pain.

When Pipo died, I promised Pipo that I would take care of his daughter & grandson. I promised him that I would not let anything happen to them. The seven months we took care of Pipo in our home, I protected my son from Pipo's hollers of pain. I would create distractions so that he would not have to 'deal' with Pipo's illness & looking back - so that I can escape that pain.

Now fast forward to today. Again I pretended that I would be alright. My ego really has me believing that I can deal with the death of mom. All this time I have been 'strong' & I can deal with death. BUT really I was pretending that I am OK. All this time I have been hiding the fact that I am afraid, feel vulnerable & alone. I kept myself busy so that I would not have to see mom wither away like a wilted rose. How I end up being is closed off from my own feelings.

So when I was interacting with my friends & family, I was really hiding out. Hiding my feelings. I did not want to get too close because they too will leave me & I am going to hurt all over again! I would not tell anyone about my life, because of the fear that they may find me out or may judge me. The impression I get is that I leave them in a funk trying to deal with my disconnect. For that I apologize.

So what you can count on from me is that I will be free to express my feelings, will no longer pretend to be strong & will be present to your (& my own) greatness. I promise to be there to hear you and to listen without judgement; I promise that I will be with you when you need me; I promise I will be free to be me.

Tomorrow is my mom's funeral service & I do not have to be 'strong' anymore. I do not have to pretend that I have it all together. I will be free to be me and free to be with my friends and family.

God has blessed us with a great mother, but even more so with the legacy she created - our family.

Sharing a Personal Loss

"Peace I leave you, My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid". John 14:27

This was my mother's possibility for the world. After she quoted these words last Saturday, I saw her world transform. People came from NY, DC and even Ecuador to be with her. They all shared how they have been touched by her. How her way of being was imprinted in their souls and the magic she caused in their lives

She released her bottle full of angers, recentments and caused our world to transform before our eyes.

Last night my mother passed away in peace as the example of these words. Her last wish was that our family carry on her legacy of being United in Peace.

We are here on this earth if only for this moment - so make your moment matter and be the cause of transformation in your world.

My peace I give to you

Welcomed Intrusions

Today I received a text message from a friend of mine. She needed some information from me and in dealing with my mother's passing in Hospice, I have been unavailable for her a few days. She wrote

"Big Love to you and your family. Hesitating to intrude, but can we talk..."

Wow this left me thinking!?? I get so wrapped in my circumstances & have neglected my 'outside' world. It was so great to hear from her & her message of love, that I see that I have excluded others from my experience of life. So I replied to her:

I want you to know that words of love, compassion and commitment are always a pleasant and welcomed intrusion. My mother, taking what amounts to her last few breaths of this world, felt compelled to say that her "work" is not done. See she is calling for people by name to come to her bedside. Lifelong friends are coming from places like New York, Washington DC & even from Ecuador. They all are expressing appreciation and love for her. Most exciting of all, they are expressing that she has allowed them to be in a state of peace with her passing.

I want you to know that this type of intrusions (in this time of loss) is not only welcomed BUT required in order to cause transformation to be present for the other.

To pin it to a single phrase -

You have to place yourself into the life of others in order to cause transformation in their world.

So the possibility I am inventing for myself & my life is the possibility of being the pathway for Completion, Empowerment and to be in peace.

For Virginia :: When one is forgotten, one dies yet another time.

So regarding my promise to David. I promised David that I would get to see his Descanso for Virginia. I am in Florida & the Descanso is in Arizona. The first thought was " how am I going to get there to see his Descanso?"

So I figured I can ask somebody there to do a favor for me. I have been writing emails making a request for an image of the Descanso. Yes, it is an unreasonable request, but one I know I must do. I feel the promise must be fulfilled. Then the next thought that came to mind is "what makes me think that I can get a stranger to do me a favor." What makes me think that I can get to see his memorial. The Arrogance that I think I can will somebody into doing something for a stranger just because I ask! So I've had to put those thoughts aside & I have to do it anyway. So for the last few weeks, I have been searching for people in Arizona. I did a search for preachers in the area; business owners; even teachers who may teach photography. I started contacting people I didn't know, in Apache Junction, AZ. I sent out many emails, but no reply - all to keep my promise.

One email I sent was to Roy Pope of roypopephotography.com. What caught my attention is the first line in his "About the Artist" page. It reads :

"Roy photographs the world with a pair of loving eyes and a hugging heart."

When I read this, I just knew that I needed to contact him. Something told me that he would be the one to help me fulfill my purpose. So I sent it out!

Two weeks have passed and no reply. That is no replies...

until today! I received an email reply. He has attached a file! My heart is pounding in disbelief! I can't believe it - he attached a photograph! As I open his email, I see three simple lines ending in "Thank You" - wow! he's thanking me - I was the one asking for the favor and he's thanking me. This caught me by surprise! So I replied, thanking him & wondering what was present for him that he is thanking me. His replied:

In this time when mother earth is changing as we willed her to do, this has touched my heart.

He went on to explain

"when one is forgotten, one dies yet another time."

Wow! out of what I thought was a favor for me, he was touched, moved and inspired to take the picture! I now see that having the magic of an "outside the box" life can be had simply out of me being real, expressing what is present for myself and allowing another to experience that.

You just never know what you can cause in the life of another.

For Virginia :: Memories of Virginia

Tonite an email arrived that pulled at all my emotions. It reads ::

"Señor, I have maintained my daughter's roadside marker for 14 years now. I will soon be gone as well. It was important for me, in the waning years of my life, to be able to speak with her at the place she last spoke on Earth. I know that this memorial means nothing to anyone but I, and I will soon vanish from existence."

David just wanted to talk & express his story of the pain, sorrow & heartache, he has experienced at the loss of his daughter.

He seemed lonely, but most of all heartbroken. I am getting the impression that he just want to share his story with someone, before he goes.

All I can do is listen with all my heart.

Baby Grace

There has been this story in the newspapers that is still gnawing at me.

On Nov 20, a baby girl, named Baby Grace by investigators, was found in a construction dumpster - umbilical cord still attached. The first thing I thought was "how can anyone just dump a baby like a pile of trash?" But this thought came from anger and a sense that "where has our humanity gone?" I realize that these are negative thoughts and are judgemental. I don't know anything about the mother & what could be going on in her world.

Maybe she is a teen mother who felt all alone in this world & maybe she was scared of being responsible for a baby's life. Maybe she was scared to death! What would her parents do to her if they found out!? Maybe the mother is an adult who is in danger herself. I have no clue therefore cannot judge at all! Only God can do that.

But I cannot help being drawn to this little girl's story. I still cannot get over being angry & sad for what happened to her.

I have this need to do something about it. I don't know what I can do for this little girl, but I do have this need to restore my faith in humanity. And maybe in doing so I can bring dignity to her death.

Memories...

"They who think that you are gone,
because no more your face they see,
are wrong, for in our hearts you live
and always will in memory."

"Healing from grief is not a process of forgetting,
It is the process of remembering with less pain and more joy."

Hope There's Someone...

Grief, anger and hopelessness can be very difficult emotions to work thru. But work them thru we must.

Sometimes the feeling can be so overwhelming and it seems that there is no way out. This video seems to have all these emotions wrapped up into one package. It express the one thing that we all hope for...

"Someone who'll take care of me when I die."




So I am back in the Self Expression & Leadership Program - but this time as a coach! With my project, I intend to transform the energy of Grief, Anger and Hopelessness into the energy of Love, Peace and Fulfillment.

I want to create a space that will allow self-expression of this vent-up grief and anger - transfer it thru art - out onto a canvas where it will exist outside of me.

No longer having a disempowering grip over me and allowing me to be free.

Today I met an Incredible Soul.

Today I met the person I've been looking for, without even knowing who she was going to be & without physically meeting with her - just a voice on the phone. I was driving home and listening to talk radio. The caller is talking about spirits & she says that there's a message that needs to be delivered. This caught my attention & I raised the volume.

At that moment a commercial for an eye care product comes on the radio & I hear "You must call... this message is for you." Sure this sounds like a typical sales pitch, but I felt an omen at that moment and needed to call - not for the product - but for the message. I felt that there was a message for me to hear. I can't explain it - but I needed to call.

So as the operator is describing the product, we start chit-chatting. She asks me a few questions about me & before I know it she is suggesting that I read "Power of Now." "I was just looking into getting it" I replied. We continue to talk & I am feeling inspired by her words coming thru on the phone. She was so uplifting & very supportive, without even knowing who I was. So I tell her that I appreciate her words & ask her how she can keep up her spirits. She replies that normally it's not hard, but today was a bit difficult because a friend of hers has just lost him wife & child to a car accident.

Holy S*%T - no coincidence that I am here talking with her!! I explained to her that this is what my project is about & how I am working to assist families with this type of grief. "This is exactly what I was looking for" she tells me. Then she asks why I do this. I explain to her that "I do this because I have lost 7 person in the last nine years & I needed to heal." But also explain that most of those people have come to me in spirit right before passing. And that they all wanted to convey the message of "Peace & Love" for us all. She replies "Wow, that funny! because I talk with people after they have passed" & the message they need to convey is pretty much the same.

I say no coincidence because before I called, I was doubting that I was not going to be able to coach my participants of the upcoming Self-Expression and Leadership program, effectively (That was my little voice trying to talk me out of it). I was asking God for someone who would understand what I was up to, who I am and the ability to put into words what I was looking to accomplish.

I asked for inspiration and wisdom. And sure enough there was this voice on the other end providing exactly what I had asked for. She even put into word what this Descansos project is all about...

"Transforming the energy of grief, rage and hopelessness into and energy of peace, harmony and love."

This is exactly how I can verbalize the intent of my project. Thank you.

Now for the friend, who lost his family, I needed to verbalize a message. That the only thing we can do is listen. The feeling of grief is his and his alone - it can be overwhelming at times though. No words of wisdom will offer relief because our version of grief is not his version. The only thing that matters is being a compassionate ear for him - Be a stand for his ability to work thru his grief and just be there to allow him to express his grief & hopelessness.

So in my experience of loosing someone dear to me so unexpectantly, was to get it out! The thing that worked for me was to write a 'suffering' letter to the person with whom I was angry. (In my case - I was angry at my father-in-law for dying - & leaving us - without a fight - long story). For her friend, it could be to the person that caused the accident. I wrote all my anger and rage out onto a piece of paper and read it to a friend over & over again until it -truly- left me. I don't know how this works, but it did!

I cried and sobbed while I read my letter. All my friend did was listen, cry with me and then just listened some more. And by the eight time I read it, the crying and sobbing had diminished. l worked thru my own grief. And by doing so, the anger and whatever rage I had bottled up inside me were released.

My feelings and thoughts of anger, helplessness and rage - put down on paper - were transformed. They became - like flies stuck on flypaper - out there away from me and finally outside of me. This new found freedom allows me to create anew. A new life transformed from one of anger and grief to one of acceptance, love and peace.

In closing, I ask that we WAKE UP!! and realize that families in grief do not need to hear "get over it..." "Life goes on..." "It's time to move on..." "I know what you are feeling..." All they need is a compassionate ear that will listen unconditionally & without judgment and without fear to speak of death.

I realized that to remain in my dark cave of fear, is to not know & live with the world around me.

Thanks for the Inspiration!!

I spoke with Rep. Irving Slosberg! I was truly inspired by his words but most importantly by his actions! I did research to find out about his political stand and found out that what he stands for is safety on the roadways. I found out that he lost his daughter 10 years ago (along with four other teens) to a tragic accident. Since then he has been an advocate to prevent the loss caused by drunk/careless accidents.

Now I really KNOW that there are no such things as coincidences! I found out in my reseach, that I got in touch with him just days before the 10th anniversity (Feb 23,1996) of the death of his teenage daughter, Dori.

This sent goose bumps up my spine! I was so honored by his actions and asked him if I could attend the memorial services and document it on this blog & the adjoing web site.

So you will see that coming up in the next few days.

An Exciting Surprise

Out of the many emails I sent out, I got 99.99% in Nos! Thru all those Nos, I read many reasons why I should not do this project; why I should accept & conform to the status quo; how I should learn to live with it; how sorry they are for my loss; how I should not worry about caring for other; how I should not stir things up & should not take up a cause that is "so controversial."

Many, many valid reasons to accept a life that is fine & reasonable. Many, far to many reasons to let life just go by & accept things as they are. Way too many, far too many words that just say that it is too hard to care - so just give it up.

All this darkness & stormy clouds from above, but I cannot do that.

But thru the downpour of words, shone one, singular ray of hope. A single ear that actually heard my plea & felt my story. Only one email returned to my inbox with five lonely words.

I will help, call me!

that's all that needed to be said. This email came from Florida House of Representative member, Irving Slosberg.

Thank you for the simplicity & firm stand of your respond.

More of the Same...

So you know the story! The state, FDOT, Turnpike Authority, even my family are not 100% excited about the project.

So I am pissed! I was so mad that I felt I needed to go for broke!!!! What do I have to loose, right. All they can say is no - & I have heard them all already, so what is one more! Everybody who is there for the benefit of the public, in my opinion, is serving the benefit of the bureocracy.

So what would be the most out there, most unreasonable, most unlike me thing to do?

So I sent tons of emails telling my story & asking for what I want to see. Asking to change the bureocracy, asking to change the mindset of mankind. Asking for the unreasonable! I sent an email to the representatives of my district, both Republican & democratic. I sent emails to the director of MADD (I know, try somewhere else), I sent an email to the director of FDOT, FHSMV, to everyone I could think of.

Some made believe that my request never happened & that I would forget about it. Hello out there! I have not forgotten! Im still waiting for the reply to my email.

Other replies were just boldly stating NO. They said it in so many words trying to get me to understand, but just spilling words to justify their stand. I read thousands of words, hundreds of sentences & many paragraphs that all just say no. I can't accept that.

MADD about you

Last night I attended a M.A.D.D. Victim's Awareness Panel. This was a real eye opening experience - two fold. Fortunately Lynnsey Eakins (M.A.D.D. WPB Chapter) allowed me to enter as a volunteer. This meeting is usually reserved, and mandated by the court system, for first-time DUI offenders to listen to victims, lawyer (for both sides) all intended in persuading the offenders from driving under the influence.

I say that it was eye opening - two fold - because listening to the victims perspective is really sad & I can be compassionate to them. Listening to CD tell us how a drunk driver drove head-on into her daughter's car, was very heart - wrenching. Her only child was no longer alive.

But standing outside waiting for M.A.D.D. to open the doors, I got a different perspective. One of the offenders was chatting with several others. He was bragging that he's been here before (mind you, it's only for first time offenders) & telling everybody in his group, what to expect. "They will put an old man in a wheelchair in front of the group. He will tell us how a drunk driver took his legs & his wife. But all I know is that I wasn't the one who did it - otherwise I don't give a sh*t!" - Everybody laughs a nervous laugh.

Now this is why I am here - yes I am mad!! I want to not only assist the family heal, but to create awareness so that this does not happen again. This story made me mad & it made me realize that there are some real ignorant jerks out there, that I may never reach - until it happens to them.

I wish them luck & pray that they are not the next ones to cause a crash because of their choice to remain ignorant.

MADD that they can't do much

Another day of nos. No, no, no, no and guess what - no. You want what? - NO. What part of no did you not understand. Na na na na na. It's becoming comical how predictible it can become. I contacted the local MADD chapter. They took my info & listened to what I had to say, very sincerely I must add. But said that they cannot sponsor any programs; they cannot endorse anybody & don't expect any finacial support. Don't even think of including MADD's name in anything. MADD does not do any of that.

Oh and the assistance with getting the FDOT to act - well this must be decided by national - but that may take "a while". AHHHH more nos, even the people who's mission statement says that they are all about helping the victim.

I must realize that MADD has its focus (even if I think its limited) & they have defined their structure of ways that they can help. I mean that they focus on alcohol & drug related fatailities (in FL - 15% of all fatalities) and that is what they do. So they are not the ones to help me. I must go the grassroot route.

But, I must admit that I got MAD at that. The feeling I got though, is that - how can an outsider tell MADD what to do. They know what the REAL problem is. Alcohol is the REAL problem & they are going to stick to the national numbers (which shows that fatalities are down) instead of paying attention to the local numbers. But what I am trying to impact is the real major cause of fatalities - Careless & distracted drivers (Careless - 25%, Failure to yield - 13%, Excessive speed - 13%). Am I wrong MADD? These three only combine to 51%. That's well over 3 times what MADD is focusing on. Something needs to be done about these fatalities! Oh well - time to move on.

FDOT & FHSMV - so many acronyms!

I just got an email from Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles. They were no help. All they did was point me back to FDOT. FHSMV emailed back with a 'nothing we can do' message. I also spoke with FDOT & they are also "nothing we can do" advocates.

Don't get me wrong! All these people are very nice, pleasant and think what I am trying to do is "wonderful" & yes, they can see how it would help. But - "nothing we can do, but good luck!"

This morning I contacted the Turnpike Authority. The public information office was nice & she directed me to different offices. Everyone I contacted in those dept. were nice, but could not offer any help. Finally I spoke with a manager & he was dead set against any kind of interaction. No public space exhibit, no possibility of a public memorial garden. I even asked if I can have a flyer with road safety tips (to go hand in hand with the Road Worker Safety Awareness Week) handed out to the general public stopping at the toll plaza to get tickets. He responded - get this - "the SunPass program is working so well that hardly no one stops for tickets anymore." WHAT! A SunPass sales BS pitch?!?! I must be seeing mirages on the road. From my experience I see more of a 40/60 mix - but I'm no expert. A layman cannot access what a professional knows. So I asked him what he thought was the actual percentage. He snickered "if its 10% - it's too much." I took this chance & said "well 10% is still something. How can I reach them?"

That seems to have pissed him off. He replied "there is nothing we can pass out - it would be too dangerous." He was starting to get rude with me & I could feel the tension in his voice. So now I got pissed/ fustrated/ (you fill in the blank) & I countered with "When they were promoting the SunPass, that's exactly what they did. Did that cause any complications?" I have to admit, I did kind of try to get his last nerve. :-) he replied "That's different!, I must go"

Anyway, all I've been hearing is no, no, no. To the point where it did not matter anymore. Boy! Do bureaucrats really do their jobs with their hands tied behind their back. Or is the system so out of touch - that they can't make a decision without an act of congress?

FDOT to the Rescue... Guess Not!

I know what they always say about bureaucracy, but I had to try anyway. I've been wanting to create two things. First, I want to create a Memorial Garden at the greenspace of the rest stop plaza where the public will be able to see it & where the family can go & contemplate. Second I wanted to create awareness to the rise in roadside casualties by uniting families w/artist who will create a painting/sculpture/mural of the narrative. The paintings created will be displayed in the turnpike rest area plaza. The whole idea is to let the public know the loss but most importantly to assist the family in releasing the agravation, anger, sadness and sorrow of what happened to them. Hopefully with this release, they can heal their souls.

I contacted DP, the administrator of the FDOT Roadside Memorial Marker program. He was helpful and sent me the fabrication & installation guidelines for the program. But beyond that, he won't answer my emails anymore. SBJ was also another contact. She is the public contact for the program. I asked her for info that the family can use as a guideline for what the program represents. Still waiting. Asked her about having an online application to make the process easier. But there seems to be no online application process & none planned.

I guess I need to find other avenues.