Got Domain Back!!

Woo Hoooooo!!

I got the domain descansos.org back!!!

Back in January, my domain was taken. I was in Peru during the renewal period and was blindly trusting that the hosting company would renewed it. I was not concerned & even had a backup plan "If there's a problem, I will be back before the grace period is up anyway."

Well, somehow it did not & the grace period was not honored. A 'domain name reseller' took it the same day it expired & I had to buy it back.

Fortunately it was not outrageously expensive but I did loose it for 2 months.

Lesson learned, forgive & forget & today descansos.org is back in action.

A thousand Hands Come Together as One...

This week I have been feeling stressed & overworked.

My excuse is: I don't have time to do this work; plus run my business; plus preparing & creating a Forgiveness Seminar; plus being a coach; a Leader Training Leaders; plus creating an architectural presentation in Peru for a client - that doesn't exist - but who I am inventing to enter my life; plus being father & husband to my family.

And then on top of that, keep updating this blog.

Yes, I know that it sounds like I'm complaining, And yes I am - but only as a way of getting it out of my system. OK 5 minutes of complaing are now complete! But that is not what I'm committed to doing. So I have to admit that this feeling of overwhelm comes only from my everpresent feeling of being alone & that I have to do all this alone. And in distinguishing this for myself (with the assistance of my trusty coach), I see that if I was being honest with myself, I am really not alone.

The thing that showed up for me in the last month or so, is that 3 more people in my life have passed away. This is the excuse I use to feel alone - see I have evidence now that people are leaving me. "See they left - I am alone now!" But what I am not choosing to see is that they have gone to God & are now one with the creator. Isn't that what all faith-believing beings want? Even more on a personal level, they are not leaving ME!!!

So how do I accept and allow people into my life, so that the feeling of 'alone-ness' does not take me over?

And that's when this image showed up in my life. It is on YouTube & its called the Thousand-Hand Guan Yin. I was fascinated with the quote in the description which I am recreating here:

As long as you are kind and there is love in your heart, A thousand hands will naturally come to your aid.
As long as you are kind and there is love in your heart, You will reach out with a thousand hands to help others.

Guan Yin is the bodhisattva of compassion, revered by Buddhists as the Goddess of Mercy. Her name is short for Guan Shi Yin.

Guan - means to observe, watch, or monitor;
Shi - means the world;
Yin - means sounds, specifically sounds of those who suffer.

Thus, Guan Yin is a compassionate being who watches for, and responds to, the people in the world who cry out for help.

This really caught my attention! Guan Shi Yin is the "goddess with a thousand hands. She watches for those in need and has a thousand hands to help."

Metaphorically I understand this to mean that I don't have to do this work alone. I can rely on, and create others to be the thousand hands around me, who can assist in getting this done.

As the performer in the video could not do the dance alone. She had others, to create with her, the beautiful dance & imagery that inspired the audience & inspired me.

Another common Metaphor that comes to mind is President Bush (Senior). He used to say "A Thousand Points of Light"

I am but one point of light & together the thousand points of light can transform the world.

So now I am not alone...

I have chosen to create myself to be one with others and will continue with my commitment to have the people of the world experience - oneness with God.

A Simple Though Can Change The World

It's amazing how a simple phrase can change my day, my life AND my world.

"I think, therefore I am"
- Rene Descartes

Lately the circumstance of the world is what everybody is talking about. The financial crisis is affecting millions, including me. What everybody is dwelling on is the fear of the unknown.

But what I learned from this simple quote is that - what I am thinking is what I am creating as my reality. Allowing the negativity of the news and others is what I have been creating for me.

So no wonder I have been feeling - blah!

No I am not suggesting to make believe that the world is great & rosy. No don't make believe that nothing is going on & that the grief will disappear. What I am suggesting is that the negativity of what is going on is - optional. I don't have to choose it!

So this is what I've been pissed at: A few months age, the state of Florida removed all 'unauthorized' roadside memorials from the side of state highways. They put up warnings and when the period expired, they removed every flower, every teddy bear, every cross and decoration to be found. The only thing left was the 'authorized' generic lollipop 'drive safely' symbol that the state puts up. I was pissed & saying to myself "why would the state be so heartless?"

So I got stuck in that for about a month or two. I was mad, upset & pissed that there would not be anymore 'interesting' memorials to photograph. You've seen one lollipop - you've seen them all. What made them interesting, for me at least, was the personality that each family expressed of themselves. The choice in pieces to place. Some people put teddy bears, other put beer bottles. Anything that expressed who the person was for that family.

One family kept a different bottle of Arizona Ice Tea on a monthly rotation. Some families put plastic flowers that got replaced when faded, while others put real flowers. A new colorful bloom every week.

I waited for the news reports of pissed off families, upset that the state would do such a thing. To my surprise - nothing!

"What nobody is pissed at this!?" Then what I saw next caught me by surprise!

Driving down the highway, one of the lollipops that was stripped of its personally for months, all of a sudden had a wreath wrapped around the head. A few miles down the road a memorial that used to have a 5' long surfboard now has a small surfboard-shaped plaque and a nice,simple bouquet of flowers.

Little by little a few of the stripped memorials have their personality again. The flowers are back; the crosses showed up again and so did the teddy bears. Smaller & more subtle, maybe symbolic of the diminishing levels of grief, but they are back.

What I realized is that I am holding on to the anger of my grief. I have not moved on. I used to think that these are symbols of grief and of loss - but I am now realizing that they represent the endurance, resilience & hope of our humanity.

We will always survive, no matter the circumstances, or trials & tribulations that life throws at us - we will endure! And we will heal.

I think "I will endure" - therefore I will!

Ten Things I'm Grateful For...

I received a comment from a reader, Cool Hand Luke, that woke me up from my slumber. The comment said "don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle..." And I saw that I was giving up! I have not been posting here for a while. And I have kept myself away.

I like what Cool Hand Luke said:

"Rest if you are tired,
yet do not cease your Divine work."

I have had personal tribulations, but I see now that I have allowed them to become excuses to keep me from staying on my path. So enough with the "why have I not.." and just get to it!!

So I want to start, on this day before Thanksgiving, by creating a pattern of gratitude for myself. This pattern will allow me to focus on the positive and will allow me to take responsibility for my level of happiness.

I am grateful for (in no particular order):

1. The people in my life. Family, friends & acquaintances. Those that love me; those that walk with me; those that wake me up when I lose my way; and those that shove me back onto my path.

2. Everybody that I meet. For they provide a unique experience in my life. The good ones, the bad ones the happy ones, the sad ones. They are all, equally important, companions on this journey we call life.

3. The trials & tribulations of life, for they teach us the value of who we are and what we have become.

4. My wife, son & dog. They are my everything. They fill my day with joy, laughter and love. I included my dog because I considered him a challenge & didn't like him much. See we got him from the pound "for my son" was the reasoning, and he was unruly. My son & I have trained him & now he is 'normal.' He is loving and attentive even when I don't want him around. Well I gotta love him for never giving up on me. He knew I would come around some day.

5. Health & Happiness. Thankfully my family & I are healthy & happy.

6. Waking up this morning. Everyday is a gift & a blessing from God. I cannot worry if tomorrow will come, I just have to enjoy the NOW. I will let the past go & be free of needing to have the future look a certain way.

7. Music. It carries me when I am down and caresses me when I am lonely. It makes me happy and fills my heart with song.

8. Fun, Joy & Love. No explanation required! These definately make life a lot easier.

9. My computer & the Internet. It allows me to create an inner circle that is much bigger then even I can imagine. For example, you are reading this & I may not know who you are, but now we have something in common. We are united by these words & these thoughts. Please leave me a comment & let me know that you were here (even anonymously).

10. God. My creator and companion. He guides me and with brilliant colors, paints the path so that I can see the way.

Baby Grace :: No Coincidences

I had an amazing thing happen to me today!

I was just in the process of finalizing my decision to start the Baby Grace Foundation Non-profit. I was starting to make contacts so that I can register it with the state of Florida. The thoughts running thru my head AT THIS VERY MOMENT was "the reason I am doing this foundation is to give discarded babies a name, a proper burial rite & to aide their spirits to ascend to God." Basically I want Baby Grace's life & death to be remembered with dignity.

Spiritually I had a visual image of Jesus holding Baby Grace in his arms and I imagined how beautiful it would be to know that she will eternally be cared for. BUT as a human being my thoughts were of doubting myself. Is this foundation thing going to work? What will people think of the idea of focusing on dead babies? BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... that self-doubt that my little voice runs constantly.

Just as I was starting to believe my self-doubting little voice, I heard the chime of my Outlook, letting me know that I got an email. A friend just sent me this image of exactly how I had visualized Baby Grace in Jesus' arms.

She sent me a message that was inspired from above - "Do It!"

Interesting Reading

I was reading a few blogs the other day & came across some interesting reading about descansos. Descansos literally means "resting places" and the idea of resting places as markers in life. I have read Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés views of 'making descansos.' What she says is to take a look at your life and marked where the 'small deaths' and the 'big deaths' have taken place. She suggests to create a timeline of your life and mark down with a cross the places along the timeline where parts of yourself or your life have died - or not has been what you wanted. You mark the roads not taken, paths that were cut off, ambushes, betrayals and death of dreams and ideas you've had. This is a way to acknowledge what worked /did not work in your past so that you can then let it go, as the past, and move on.

To extend this idea further another suggestion was to look at it as 'milestones' in your life. Sit down and remembering the significant milestones. Celebrate the joys and mourn the losses of life. CalmEagle's blog suggests "Just as our ancestors drew on the walls of caves and sat around the campfires telling stories of triumph and tragedy we can engage in the transformative process of using story to help us."

I like this idea! Looking at my life and celebrate my joys, along with mourning my losses as a release of the grief, but most of all as a celebration of life.

This seems like a good way to heal the past.

Baby Grace :: Revisited

So here we are 10 months since Baby Grace passed away & I am wanting to complete the roadside memorial in time for the 1yr anniversary. I allowed a "no" (OR should I say a lack of a "yes") to stop me from doing what I said I would do. See back in Dec, 2006, I contacted Sun Recycling & pitched my idea for the memorial. They said they would consider it and get back to me - I never heard back from them.

In the process of planning this memorial, I've had a profound encounter with this 1 day old child. She showed me the value of acceptance & forgiveness. Her journey ended the same day it started, right before Thanksgiving. In her only day of life, she accomplished more then most of us do in a whole lifetime. She suffered a lonely death, but she did not depart alone. As previously explained, her 6 lb body was found in a construction debris dumpster with the umbilical chord still attached. She was dumped there right after the mother gave birth.

Over the months of following her story, I learned the value of forgiveness. I learned that from her short life. Forgiveness is a powerful gift and it is yours for the taking. All we have to do is give it away or accept it when it comes our way.

All of us do things that we regret & cannot take back. Some more difficult then others, but God forgives all. All we have to do is ask for forgiveness. Now just imagine, really, a lonely mother (possibly at the darkest moment in her life) is looking back at what she has done & not sure if she can forgive her own actions. Just imagine hearing the soul of her 1 day old child whispering "mom, I forgive you..." How would that feel?

Would I be that open and be able to forgive someone who has done me wrong?

So thru this encounter, I get to discover my humanity. Yes, I get to see the flaws of our humanness and the harshness of our humanity. But I also get to see the greatness that we are capable of! See Baby Grace had a regular, loving funeral. She was buried by 50 people who loved her, strangers as they may be. They got to show her love and acceptance. No, there was no mother in sight or family to take care of her, but she did not leave this earth alone.

She was taken care of by the 19yr old kid that found her in the dumpster among the construction debris. She was taken care of by the 3 strangers, owners of the recycling plant where the dumpster dropped of its load. She was not alone nor lonely anymore. This is true acceptance!

This really fills my soul to know that she was loved as she crossed the River Styx.

By creating this memorial, I feel that I can create a public symbol that would deliver the message of forgiveness. I feel that the memorial will let the people, who cared for her, know that her life did not end in vain. It was a life that contributed to many people. Creating the memorial would not only commemorate them, but would also express to all that she can be remembered with dignity.

And I can live with the thought that she did not die in vain.

for Virginia ::: David's Story

Over the next three months David & I communicated via email. He expressed his love for his daughter & the heartache it was to lose her. He expressed the sorrow, the loneliness & his hopes for the memory of Virginia.

I got to know David a little more during those emails. And I got to know who Virginia was for him. She was everything to him!

"I have had dreams, and I have had heartaches, I have lived, I have loved, I have hurt inside and out. Some crushed dreams (my daughter) cannot be overcome, no matter how hard you try. I am a welder by trade and her descansos will last longer than most. But it to will be uprooted at some point by someone who knows nothing of the story that goes with the memorial. It is the passing of wind and sand and time. Perhaps someday they will come to understand the grief that passed that spot so very long ago."

All he wanted to do is pass on his folklore. He wanted someone to listen, maybe someone who could understand the pain. But sadly, I just received a final email saying goodbye.

David was on his way to be by Virginia's side where he can find his happiness again. He did not explain anything more then just "I'm ill" and that he could no longer be in communication. I felt like I was loosing a friend. But he requested that he be allowed to die in peace.

So my reply to David was:

"David, all I know now is that God is there with you & that puts my mind at ease. I WILL find a way of seeing your daughter's descanso. The distance from Florida to Arizona is great, AND it is not going to stop me. Know that I already see your devotion and will get to see your creation. I will continue to have you & your daughter in my thoughts forever.

I wish you well & may God be with you on your journey."

I made a promise to David, that I am not sure how to keep it. I promised him that the memory of his daughter would not vanish with his passing & that the descanso he built for her will be remembered even after its demise.

All David wanted was that the memory of Virginia never fade and that his descanso for her, still remain alive.

All I know of David is his Unconditional Love for his daughter & I cannot let his folklore just vanish. I feel he has entrusted in me, the preservation of Virginia's memory. And now also the preservation of David's story.

Good Bye David.

We Live, We Love, We forgive & Never Give Up

I just received an email from a friend, Donna. She sent me Superchick's "We Live" (MP3) song - this is such a great song! The part that is most impactful is:

The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway
So get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life
cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living

It comes at a perfect time. My wife & I came to the conclusion, this morning, that we (including my son) have not really dealt with the passing of my father-in-law. Yes, we were fine that it was his time to go, & our son accepted it - but we never really had closure. We were just discussing it this morning because our son says that Pipo (grandpa) comes to talk with him at night & that he is scared. He doesn't even want to talk about Pipo because it makes him "cry."

This song has allowed us to forgive and remember to live & to love. We are now setting a date for a memorial service now that the 3yr anniversary of his passing is coming up.

"We live, we love, we forgive & never give up!"
Thank you Donna for the song. It is inspiring and a great message.

Baby Grace :: Through Forgiveness...

Through forgiveness, which essentially means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past, and allowing the present moment to be as it is, the miracle of transformation happens not only within but also without. A silent space of intense presence arises both in you and around you.

You dissolve discord, heal pain, dispel unconsciousness--without doing anything--simply by being and holding that frequency of intense presence.

- Eckhardt Tolle, The Power of Now

The other day I was emailing back & forth with a new friend i've just met. She is a friend who lost a child to a traffic accident in 1989. She asked me a simple question "I am curious to see if you know [her son] and if he visited you before he left this earth." I replied that I've only had one child-like energy ever visit me. I shared that about a year ago, I visited a memorial of a child & the message she wanted to give was for her mother to have peace & to assist her parents in learning to let go. And as I am typing this, I don't stop the sentence there. I continue to type "Baby Grace - I feel she wants to find her mom & to allow her to forgive herself for what happened."

I did not have that in my mind & I did not indent to write that down - where did this come from? It just showed up right then & there! So now I can see the reason why I've had an urgent need to continue creating a roadside memorial for Baby Grace. I never had a purpose & never could explain why I was doing this. I was just driven to do so!

With this sentence I got my reason & now I am even more driven to be unreasonable & make my presentation to Sun Recycling. Baby Grace made such an impact on so many people's lives. And the only reason for doing this is so that she can allow her mother to find forgiveness in this world for what happened to Baby Grace.

The memorial will give the world a message that we can move on - in spite of the tragic circumstances - only so that Baby Grace's mother can do so as well. And so in doing that, I feel that all mothers out there in a similar situation can also allow themselves to just forgive the past.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

Take Down That Memorials! By Force (Part Deux)

Man has built in himself images as a fence of security – religious, political, personal. These manifest as symbols, ideas, beliefs. The burden of these images dominates man’s thinking, his relationships, and his daily life. These images are the cause of our problems, for they divide man from man.
--Jiddu Krishnamurti (1895-1986, Indian Philosopher)

Again I was reading up on opinions that people have towards roadside memorials. More of the same responds "sorry about your loss... but grieve in private"; "those things are dangerous... distracting drivers."; and even "I am sick of those dam memorials... I don't want to be reminded of death."

But my opinion is that these memorials are not about death. For death can be honored at the gravesite. I feel that the memorials are about life!

Huhhh! you say.

Well memorials say more about the person who puts it up then the person who has passed. It talks about what they have to deal with now that their loved one is gone. They express their loss and serve it to the world to take a drink. Some of us taste the soup of death and call it bitter, while other savor it for what it is - A fact of life. Allow them to expresses their world and the experience of it.

"a man's dying is more the survivor's affair than his own"
- Thomas Mann

I want to believe that these memorials are about life, love, remembrance & ultimately a celebration of life itself. I want to believe that the family are concerned for their fellow human being and are warning us to drive safely.

So my way of accepting - no creating! - my life is to see what is available for me out of this experience. What I see available is to experience life to the fullest & to see life in the following way:

Life :: Life is a glorious cycle of song (- Dorothy Parker)
Love :: Love is a thing that can never go wrong (- Dorothy Parker)
Remembrance :: Live in the present & make it beautiful (- Ida Scott Taylor)
Celebration :: Praising what is lost makes the remembrance dear (- Shakespeare)

I will create myself as a being with "images" of life that do not serve as my fences...
...but serve as windows to the world. Here is where I will survey the horizon and from where I can step outward to what is possible.

Baby Grace

On Dec 21, a funeral service was held for a baby girl only days old. The services at St. Matthew Catholic Church was held in the presence of 50 persons who really cared for Baby Grace. People like the workers who found her 6-pound, 19-1/2-inch body; the police detective who is investigating her death; even the owner of the plant, who paid for the services, was present. But unfortunately a grieving mother was nowhere to be found.

See Baby Grace was found dead in a garbage dumpster, her umbilical chord still attached. She was buried in a donated, ivory-colored dress trimmed with tiny rosebuds and pearls. The white 2-foot long casket carried this angel to her final resting place. The motorcade taking her to the cemetery even had a police escort. She came into this world all alone, but definitely did not leave it that way. She was surrounded by 50 persons who cared for her - even though they were all strangers.

Florida law allows parents to drop off unwanted babies at hospitals, fire stations and emergency medical facilities with no penalty of law. So Baby Grace's mother must have been in a serious situation and maybe not even aware of this law. My assertion is that she must have been desperately alone. Why else would she see discarding Baby Grace into a dumpster as her only option and why would she never step forward to claim her when she was found. Lord, give me strength!

So through Baby Grace's memory I can see the possibility of Love, Forgiveness and Compassion. By creating this possibility, out of what I see missing, I can go out into this world and make sure that her death was not in vain. I can commemorate the memory of Baby Grace; I can learn to forgive such an inhumane act and I can create compassion so that not another baby will be discarded into the trash.

Learning to forgive

Every morning

Imagine every morning waking up and feeling;
"I don't want to live another day without my
child in my life."

Feeling that, on the side of the highway
is where my child left this world.
Alone and hurt, you left this life
To live anew -
free of pain and sorrow.

But waking up, I see your empty bed.
Everybody tells me that I must get closure.
So again I try gathering your clothes and
start putting them in boxes - ready to go.
But as I drive to work and see your memorial,
on the side of the road, the tears come...
all over again.

Every morning I feel the rage and anger
for that careless driver who took
your life from me.

Every night I feel your absence.

But every morning I awake again
and try to live another day
because I know I must.
God does have bigger plans for me.

I wake up and continue my life because
I don't want yours to be forgotten.
I need to let the world know that
you are a person of significance.

That you mattered - to me!

I need to remember, I need to live!
To be free and to laugh again.
I am the only one that can set me free!
And for that I need to learn to forgive.

Forgive them, forgive you...
- forgive me.


These words came to me early in the morning. I awoke and sat down with the urge to write. These words are not mine and the feelings expressed are not my feelings but feel them I do. I am sobbing with such pain and sorrow as I write these words. The pain and suffering that these words express is running all my emotions and are mine to feel. I am feeling the pain of a parent who has lost a child - though I have not.

At first I reasoned them to be hollow because I have not lost a child so how can I be writing in first person. I even tried to rewrite them from a stranger's perspective & It just would not be. So I accepted what was coming to me.

Secondly a thought entered my mind for a moment. I always have these premonition in my dreams - so could this be of a future day in my life?? NO not my only son!!!! The emotions became horrifying for a second and the pain and sorrow became mine. Then I got present to where these words were coming from.

About 2 weeks ago I took pictures of a roadside Memorial of a 9yr old girl who lost her life because of a careless driver. The DUI driver ran a red light & side swiped the van driven by this little girl's mom. I am at the site taking pictures & I get this overwhelming sensation that someone is watching me & trying to tell me something. No not an average Joe, but an other-worldy somebody. So I got anxious & I freaked out - hastenly I took the pictures and left.

Ever since then, the face of this little fair-skinned, platinum blonde girl is in my thoughts. I have seen this face before & now for the past two weeks, I cannot shake it. So now I realize that these words are a message that must be communicated.

So you might say that I have just made a giant leap, but it is clear to me the connection. The message is what was being communicated to me at the memorial site - it is what freaked me out - I just did not want to hear it at the time. But I am the one who gets these messages & this is what needs to be communicated. As I explained in previous post, I have been getting this type of messages most of life.

But several months ago I started to accept this ability and declared a new possibility to live my life around.

I declared : The Possibility of being the One to deliver God's message of Peace, Love and Fulfillment.
And here it is - I must deliver it. Every bit of my body tells me that this I must do.

Now don't think that these messages come clearly and easily to me. Its been two weeks of ups and downs - maybe because I was resisting it. Lots of confusion and unclear thought has occurred in my life. So when I declared my possibility I asked for clarity and signs of what I needed to understand. And I got those signs.

The way that I get them is thru subtle signs in my own life. Over the past two weeks I've had incidents where my communications with others has gone wrong. Far too many occurrences where what was expressed either did not make it to the party intended or just misunderstandings of what I had communicated.

You may call them coincidences, but I do not believe in coincidences anymore. All my life I've have had far too many signs of that - just that I did not want to see them.

So when I looked at what was occurring, I found what was missing in my mode of communication. I saw that I was missing clarity and just allowing the communications to occur. As soon as I distinguished that & declared the Possibility of Clarity and Self-Expression - bam! this message comes thru loud and clearly.

Again the pattern is that I have a vivid dream and in the morning I know I need to act. Now with my new possibility the next step requires action. Ok so how do I communicate the message of peace & acceptance to a parent who is probably still grieving and may not want to hear it? How do I tell a parent that this is the message I got from her daughter when I visited her memorial?

Like Nike says... "Just Do It!"

Answers to Questions I never knew I had...

I finally got the answer to the question I didn't even know I had this week!

Let me explain. For about two weeks I have been trying to get together with RB who not only is a friend but also works for me. We would schedule a meeting and all week long our meetings would end up not happening or getting rescheduled. This happened about five times. I needed to get some work done & was needing it complete ASAP. So finally we scheduled a meeting for Saturday 11am. This is unusual since he works at his office in the morning & I usually sleep in on Saturdays.

Anyway I was there at 11am. I am sitting there discussing the project and his wife, MB is in the background making phone calls. MB seems to be upset, but RB is focusing on the project. As we are talking, MB walks up behind RB and stands over his shoulders. I look up and realize that she is quietly crying.

I ask MB if she is ok & she replies "no - I just found out that Mike passed away!" Mike is a 97yr old neighbor of hers that she was very close to. I start to feel the pain MB is feeling and the love she has for Mike. She tells me that Mike did not have any kids and the nearest kin was half-way across the country. Mike always had something beautiful to say. His words were elloquent and inspiring. MB tells me that "Mike is a very loving person & I am going to really miss him." As she is telling me this, she askes me if I felt Mike as his soul left his body.

At that moment I realized that I did feel his presence. Mike had intervined all week long in scheduling the meetings. The meetings did not work out (and as you may know by now - I do not believe in coincidences) so that I can be here for her at this very private, very precious moment. See even with all the missed appointments all I dreamt about this entire week was of peace.

I was there to convay to her Mike's expression of peace for her & to allow her to express to Mike her love for him.

The funeral was private. Only loved ones - his caregiver, RB & MB.

Thanks for the Inspiration!!

I spoke with Rep. Irving Slosberg! I was truly inspired by his words but most importantly by his actions! I did research to find out about his political stand and found out that what he stands for is safety on the roadways. I found out that he lost his daughter 10 years ago (along with four other teens) to a tragic accident. Since then he has been an advocate to prevent the loss caused by drunk/careless accidents.

Now I really KNOW that there are no such things as coincidences! I found out in my reseach, that I got in touch with him just days before the 10th anniversity (Feb 23,1996) of the death of his teenage daughter, Dori.

This sent goose bumps up my spine! I was so honored by his actions and asked him if I could attend the memorial services and document it on this blog & the adjoing web site.

So you will see that coming up in the next few days.

An Exciting Surprise

Out of the many emails I sent out, I got 99.99% in Nos! Thru all those Nos, I read many reasons why I should not do this project; why I should accept & conform to the status quo; how I should learn to live with it; how sorry they are for my loss; how I should not worry about caring for other; how I should not stir things up & should not take up a cause that is "so controversial."

Many, many valid reasons to accept a life that is fine & reasonable. Many, far to many reasons to let life just go by & accept things as they are. Way too many, far too many words that just say that it is too hard to care - so just give it up.

All this darkness & stormy clouds from above, but I cannot do that.

But thru the downpour of words, shone one, singular ray of hope. A single ear that actually heard my plea & felt my story. Only one email returned to my inbox with five lonely words.

I will help, call me!

that's all that needed to be said. This email came from Florida House of Representative member, Irving Slosberg.

Thank you for the simplicity & firm stand of your respond.

More of the Same...

So you know the story! The state, FDOT, Turnpike Authority, even my family are not 100% excited about the project.

So I am pissed! I was so mad that I felt I needed to go for broke!!!! What do I have to loose, right. All they can say is no - & I have heard them all already, so what is one more! Everybody who is there for the benefit of the public, in my opinion, is serving the benefit of the bureocracy.

So what would be the most out there, most unreasonable, most unlike me thing to do?

So I sent tons of emails telling my story & asking for what I want to see. Asking to change the bureocracy, asking to change the mindset of mankind. Asking for the unreasonable! I sent an email to the representatives of my district, both Republican & democratic. I sent emails to the director of MADD (I know, try somewhere else), I sent an email to the director of FDOT, FHSMV, to everyone I could think of.

Some made believe that my request never happened & that I would forget about it. Hello out there! I have not forgotten! Im still waiting for the reply to my email.

Other replies were just boldly stating NO. They said it in so many words trying to get me to understand, but just spilling words to justify their stand. I read thousands of words, hundreds of sentences & many paragraphs that all just say no. I can't accept that.

MADD about you

Last night I attended a M.A.D.D. Victim's Awareness Panel. This was a real eye opening experience - two fold. Fortunately Lynnsey Eakins (M.A.D.D. WPB Chapter) allowed me to enter as a volunteer. This meeting is usually reserved, and mandated by the court system, for first-time DUI offenders to listen to victims, lawyer (for both sides) all intended in persuading the offenders from driving under the influence.

I say that it was eye opening - two fold - because listening to the victims perspective is really sad & I can be compassionate to them. Listening to CD tell us how a drunk driver drove head-on into her daughter's car, was very heart - wrenching. Her only child was no longer alive.

But standing outside waiting for M.A.D.D. to open the doors, I got a different perspective. One of the offenders was chatting with several others. He was bragging that he's been here before (mind you, it's only for first time offenders) & telling everybody in his group, what to expect. "They will put an old man in a wheelchair in front of the group. He will tell us how a drunk driver took his legs & his wife. But all I know is that I wasn't the one who did it - otherwise I don't give a sh*t!" - Everybody laughs a nervous laugh.

Now this is why I am here - yes I am mad!! I want to not only assist the family heal, but to create awareness so that this does not happen again. This story made me mad & it made me realize that there are some real ignorant jerks out there, that I may never reach - until it happens to them.

I wish them luck & pray that they are not the next ones to cause a crash because of their choice to remain ignorant.

MADD that they can't do much

Another day of nos. No, no, no, no and guess what - no. You want what? - NO. What part of no did you not understand. Na na na na na. It's becoming comical how predictible it can become. I contacted the local MADD chapter. They took my info & listened to what I had to say, very sincerely I must add. But said that they cannot sponsor any programs; they cannot endorse anybody & don't expect any finacial support. Don't even think of including MADD's name in anything. MADD does not do any of that.

Oh and the assistance with getting the FDOT to act - well this must be decided by national - but that may take "a while". AHHHH more nos, even the people who's mission statement says that they are all about helping the victim.

I must realize that MADD has its focus (even if I think its limited) & they have defined their structure of ways that they can help. I mean that they focus on alcohol & drug related fatailities (in FL - 15% of all fatalities) and that is what they do. So they are not the ones to help me. I must go the grassroot route.

But, I must admit that I got MAD at that. The feeling I got though, is that - how can an outsider tell MADD what to do. They know what the REAL problem is. Alcohol is the REAL problem & they are going to stick to the national numbers (which shows that fatalities are down) instead of paying attention to the local numbers. But what I am trying to impact is the real major cause of fatalities - Careless & distracted drivers (Careless - 25%, Failure to yield - 13%, Excessive speed - 13%). Am I wrong MADD? These three only combine to 51%. That's well over 3 times what MADD is focusing on. Something needs to be done about these fatalities! Oh well - time to move on.

FDOT & FHSMV - so many acronyms!

I just got an email from Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles. They were no help. All they did was point me back to FDOT. FHSMV emailed back with a 'nothing we can do' message. I also spoke with FDOT & they are also "nothing we can do" advocates.

Don't get me wrong! All these people are very nice, pleasant and think what I am trying to do is "wonderful" & yes, they can see how it would help. But - "nothing we can do, but good luck!"

This morning I contacted the Turnpike Authority. The public information office was nice & she directed me to different offices. Everyone I contacted in those dept. were nice, but could not offer any help. Finally I spoke with a manager & he was dead set against any kind of interaction. No public space exhibit, no possibility of a public memorial garden. I even asked if I can have a flyer with road safety tips (to go hand in hand with the Road Worker Safety Awareness Week) handed out to the general public stopping at the toll plaza to get tickets. He responded - get this - "the SunPass program is working so well that hardly no one stops for tickets anymore." WHAT! A SunPass sales BS pitch?!?! I must be seeing mirages on the road. From my experience I see more of a 40/60 mix - but I'm no expert. A layman cannot access what a professional knows. So I asked him what he thought was the actual percentage. He snickered "if its 10% - it's too much." I took this chance & said "well 10% is still something. How can I reach them?"

That seems to have pissed him off. He replied "there is nothing we can pass out - it would be too dangerous." He was starting to get rude with me & I could feel the tension in his voice. So now I got pissed/ fustrated/ (you fill in the blank) & I countered with "When they were promoting the SunPass, that's exactly what they did. Did that cause any complications?" I have to admit, I did kind of try to get his last nerve. :-) he replied "That's different!, I must go"

Anyway, all I've been hearing is no, no, no. To the point where it did not matter anymore. Boy! Do bureaucrats really do their jobs with their hands tied behind their back. Or is the system so out of touch - that they can't make a decision without an act of congress?

FDOT to the Rescue... Guess Not!

I know what they always say about bureaucracy, but I had to try anyway. I've been wanting to create two things. First, I want to create a Memorial Garden at the greenspace of the rest stop plaza where the public will be able to see it & where the family can go & contemplate. Second I wanted to create awareness to the rise in roadside casualties by uniting families w/artist who will create a painting/sculpture/mural of the narrative. The paintings created will be displayed in the turnpike rest area plaza. The whole idea is to let the public know the loss but most importantly to assist the family in releasing the agravation, anger, sadness and sorrow of what happened to them. Hopefully with this release, they can heal their souls.

I contacted DP, the administrator of the FDOT Roadside Memorial Marker program. He was helpful and sent me the fabrication & installation guidelines for the program. But beyond that, he won't answer my emails anymore. SBJ was also another contact. She is the public contact for the program. I asked her for info that the family can use as a guideline for what the program represents. Still waiting. Asked her about having an online application to make the process easier. But there seems to be no online application process & none planned.

I guess I need to find other avenues.