Helping Him Cry

I have always been uncertain what to say to console someone who has lost a loved one. What can I say - what can I do that would actually make a difference for them?

I can't say that I know what they are going thru - because I really don't know. I feel saying "I'm sorry about your loss" seems insufficient. I am truly sorry, but what difference does that really make for them.

Words sometimes feel so inadequate - they can't convey true feelings. But I feel that something must be done to let them know I'm there for them.

Well let me share this story to see if this makes a difference for you - it did for me:

A mother and her 4yr old child are playing in the park when the child sees and older gentleman sitting on a bench across the way.

This man caught the child's attention because the old man is crying with his head hung low. The child decides to walk up to the old man and see if he can make him feel better.

The mother noticed this and decided to wait & see what would happen. She sees the child lean his head towards the old man's face and they are like that for a few minutes. Finally they sit up and the old man seems content now. He gives the child a hug and sends him back to the mother.

When the child gets to the mother she asks him "What did you say to lift his spirits like that?"

"Nothing! I just helped him cry."

Just listened & help him cry. Sometimes this is all we need. Words are not required to touch the heart.

Ten Things I'm Grateful For...

I received a comment from a reader, Cool Hand Luke, that woke me up from my slumber. The comment said "don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle..." And I saw that I was giving up! I have not been posting here for a while. And I have kept myself away.

I like what Cool Hand Luke said:

"Rest if you are tired,
yet do not cease your Divine work."

I have had personal tribulations, but I see now that I have allowed them to become excuses to keep me from staying on my path. So enough with the "why have I not.." and just get to it!!

So I want to start, on this day before Thanksgiving, by creating a pattern of gratitude for myself. This pattern will allow me to focus on the positive and will allow me to take responsibility for my level of happiness.

I am grateful for (in no particular order):

1. The people in my life. Family, friends & acquaintances. Those that love me; those that walk with me; those that wake me up when I lose my way; and those that shove me back onto my path.

2. Everybody that I meet. For they provide a unique experience in my life. The good ones, the bad ones the happy ones, the sad ones. They are all, equally important, companions on this journey we call life.

3. The trials & tribulations of life, for they teach us the value of who we are and what we have become.

4. My wife, son & dog. They are my everything. They fill my day with joy, laughter and love. I included my dog because I considered him a challenge & didn't like him much. See we got him from the pound "for my son" was the reasoning, and he was unruly. My son & I have trained him & now he is 'normal.' He is loving and attentive even when I don't want him around. Well I gotta love him for never giving up on me. He knew I would come around some day.

5. Health & Happiness. Thankfully my family & I are healthy & happy.

6. Waking up this morning. Everyday is a gift & a blessing from God. I cannot worry if tomorrow will come, I just have to enjoy the NOW. I will let the past go & be free of needing to have the future look a certain way.

7. Music. It carries me when I am down and caresses me when I am lonely. It makes me happy and fills my heart with song.

8. Fun, Joy & Love. No explanation required! These definately make life a lot easier.

9. My computer & the Internet. It allows me to create an inner circle that is much bigger then even I can imagine. For example, you are reading this & I may not know who you are, but now we have something in common. We are united by these words & these thoughts. Please leave me a comment & let me know that you were here (even anonymously).

10. God. My creator and companion. He guides me and with brilliant colors, paints the path so that I can see the way.

Welcomed Intrusions

Today I received a text message from a friend of mine. She needed some information from me and in dealing with my mother's passing in Hospice, I have been unavailable for her a few days. She wrote

"Big Love to you and your family. Hesitating to intrude, but can we talk..."

Wow this left me thinking!?? I get so wrapped in my circumstances & have neglected my 'outside' world. It was so great to hear from her & her message of love, that I see that I have excluded others from my experience of life. So I replied to her:

I want you to know that words of love, compassion and commitment are always a pleasant and welcomed intrusion. My mother, taking what amounts to her last few breaths of this world, felt compelled to say that her "work" is not done. See she is calling for people by name to come to her bedside. Lifelong friends are coming from places like New York, Washington DC & even from Ecuador. They all are expressing appreciation and love for her. Most exciting of all, they are expressing that she has allowed them to be in a state of peace with her passing.

I want you to know that this type of intrusions (in this time of loss) is not only welcomed BUT required in order to cause transformation to be present for the other.

To pin it to a single phrase -

You have to place yourself into the life of others in order to cause transformation in their world.

So the possibility I am inventing for myself & my life is the possibility of being the pathway for Completion, Empowerment and to be in peace.

I Love you Enough...

I just read this great story ::

Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughter’s departure had been announced.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, “I love you and I wish you enough.” The daughter replied, “Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom.”

They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?”

“Yes, I have,” I replied. “Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?” “I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will be for my funeral,” she said. When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, “I wish you enough.” May I ask what that means?”

She began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. “When we said ‘I wish you enough’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them”.

Then turning toward me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you posses.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, An hour to appreciate them, A day to love them...
and an entire life to forget them.

For Virginia :: Memories of Virginia

Tonite an email arrived that pulled at all my emotions. It reads ::

"Señor, I have maintained my daughter's roadside marker for 14 years now. I will soon be gone as well. It was important for me, in the waning years of my life, to be able to speak with her at the place she last spoke on Earth. I know that this memorial means nothing to anyone but I, and I will soon vanish from existence."

David just wanted to talk & express his story of the pain, sorrow & heartache, he has experienced at the loss of his daughter.

He seemed lonely, but most of all heartbroken. I am getting the impression that he just want to share his story with someone, before he goes.

All I can do is listen with all my heart.

Hope for the future

Today I was able to define the statement for The Compassionate Friends newsletter. In this third workday of the SELP I was able to define my mission statement very clearly. It reads like this:

What I am out to create is to transform the energy of grief, loss, anger and hopelessness into the energy of love, peace and fulfillment. The way that I can make this possibility real is by assisting bereaved parents, who have lost a child thru a traffic fatality. To honor the memory of their child, artists will create a work of art that is representative of the parent's dream, hopes and aspirations. See the future of that child was taken away and the parent no longer has that for their child. The artwork will be indicative of who that child was; the child's favorite color; their favorite activity, etc. It is putting down on canvas the story that represents who their child was for them. Anything that would pay tribute to and honor the memory of their child.

The paintings from different families will be united into a single exhibit that would represent hope and fullfilment. By presenting the paintings in a public space, the family will see that their child's death can serve a higher purpose and that it was not in vain.

The exhibit will also allow other bereaved parents to experience this memorial and realize that there is hope out there for them. They will be inspired by these painting, and the memorials that they represent, to honor their own child by living a life full of love, peace and hope.

My dream is that these paintings will allow families to experience love, peace and fullfilment as a way to alliviate their grief and feelings of loss, anger and hopelessness.

Baby Grace

There has been this story in the newspapers that is still gnawing at me.

On Nov 20, a baby girl, named Baby Grace by investigators, was found in a construction dumpster - umbilical cord still attached. The first thing I thought was "how can anyone just dump a baby like a pile of trash?" But this thought came from anger and a sense that "where has our humanity gone?" I realize that these are negative thoughts and are judgemental. I don't know anything about the mother & what could be going on in her world.

Maybe she is a teen mother who felt all alone in this world & maybe she was scared of being responsible for a baby's life. Maybe she was scared to death! What would her parents do to her if they found out!? Maybe the mother is an adult who is in danger herself. I have no clue therefore cannot judge at all! Only God can do that.

But I cannot help being drawn to this little girl's story. I still cannot get over being angry & sad for what happened to her.

I have this need to do something about it. I don't know what I can do for this little girl, but I do have this need to restore my faith in humanity. And maybe in doing so I can bring dignity to her death.

Hope There's Someone...

Grief, anger and hopelessness can be very difficult emotions to work thru. But work them thru we must.

Sometimes the feeling can be so overwhelming and it seems that there is no way out. This video seems to have all these emotions wrapped up into one package. It express the one thing that we all hope for...

"Someone who'll take care of me when I die."




So I am back in the Self Expression & Leadership Program - but this time as a coach! With my project, I intend to transform the energy of Grief, Anger and Hopelessness into the energy of Love, Peace and Fulfillment.

I want to create a space that will allow self-expression of this vent-up grief and anger - transfer it thru art - out onto a canvas where it will exist outside of me.

No longer having a disempowering grip over me and allowing me to be free.